Thursday, 24 October 2013

Here is why I would choose a dude over a chic...any day!!!


So, I will first begin by saying that, I have never been the kind of person who follows the crowd...no, I have never been a follower. I have always enjoyed patching my own way. Not because I consider myself  any special (but truthfully, I do ;-), ) but because I find it much easier. There are no rules, no expectations, no baselines...you are allowed to just be. It saves you so much energy. And the icing on the cake, it enables you to stand out...which, at the end of the day, is what we ladies are aiming at. Because standing out means that you get attention! And, Bingo., you are Home!  :-)

Secondly, I was born in a house of three very beautiful,  independent and intelligent women; raised in a family that is literally  run by women, who are not afraid at all to speak their minds and will have no other way apart from their way. And socialized in a village, (our village has almost 500 inhabitants; You see my seven grandfathers lived in the same piece of land, we are now in the 4th generation), that is 90% female and proud. Need I say that 50% of them are either single mothers, divorced or separated from their husbands? No!

Thirdly, it is therefore obvious that in such a family and village, unless you had your own mind, then you would have to spend all your life doing what others wanted you to do, the errand guy, the hands on person. On top of that, at any one moment, there was always a rumor, a juicy story or malicious information that was doing the rounds. Whether true or false...that was and still is not important, it was just the topic of the moment. And girls, and women, do need something to bond on or about! There was endless drama...i knew no boring moment while growing up because there was always a juicy piece, and it was gooood...unless it was about you!

Fourth, in a family of strong, beautiful and confident women, you grow up wanting to stand out, to be noticed. And so, there was always an air of competition doing the rounds. People feel that they always have to prove themselves; either you are the most beautiful, or the brightest, the one with all the nicest clothes and latest fashions, with the cutest man, the richest man or both if you are lucky enough, the best cook, the loudest, the funniest, the one with the best job, house or even nails...heheh! You had to have something to make you stand out...no matter how trivial. You either had it or created it...and, you are sorted.

Now I noticed at a very early age that this kind of world was a woman eat woman world. That for you to thrive in it, you had to offer sacrifices! You sacrificed your sisters, family, friends...just to fit in. There was no permanent enemy.., nor friend. You had to master the art of being a chameleon, to change color whenever it was necessary. Your friends, could become your enemy any moment and your enemy, your best friend...based on what you had to say in a simple conversation.

I also decided, very early, that this was not my cup of tea. It is exhausting, draining, excruciating and just so much work. So I chose to go against the grain. And yes, I found solace in the company of my male relatives. With them, you just could talk about anything...and not necessarily someone. You could be friends without having a dirty secret binding you. You could fit in without having to not be yourself. You could open up without having to worry whether you would be the next headliner in the family media. And so, my relationship with the  male company began. (Not that it has been a smooth one too, but hey, that is a story for another day ;-)

The truth is I have had my own share of headlining moments, dramas and bonding times. I have at times also been the instigator of these dramas and am not proud of that (ok, maybe a little proud...its fun!!!). But I have loved every moment of it.
The sad thing is, I have ended up looking at the female company with a suspicious eye, very guarded and careful of how, when and where to speak. Just so that I can avoid all the drama that come with it. It is like a second job, this being careful. It is very very very excruciating…like pulling a hangnail from you finger! And so, to avoid it, I hang with the guys...from family, primary to high school, university to work...i went with the boys, well most of the time anyway.

But don’t get me wrong...i will choose a day with the girls over the boys in a second, it is inborn.






Tuesday, 22 October 2013

I Think am Going Crazy...but who cares???

These days my mind and emotions seem to be moving at a speed that i can not keep up with. They seem to have taken a life of their own! It amazes me at times...sometimes i feel like there are so many things clogged up there that want to come out...and my hands and mouth cant keep up. I always feel like i need an audience to tell something, anything and everything. And then again i feel like, the audience does not get me, or what am saying. Sometimes i don't know whether i want to cry or laugh. It is a roller coaster, a battle of some kind within me. It is frustrating i tell you, very frustrating.

Yesterday marked exactly one month since that fateful day. Yes, a month...and it feels like yesterday. Now, it was pointed out to me that there is nothing else i talk about these days, apart from what happened. So i am really trying my best, for the past four hours, to talk of something else apart from that. I will even go a step further...i will not even mention it here, at least in this post i wont.

I really do want to speak about something...the state of our hospitals, about sickness, about life, friends, nature, money and everything in between i think. Am not sure,  because again as i said, my mind has diverted elsewhere again. Maybe i should just save it for another day, when i feel that you will all understand what am talking about. Yes...when you will get it.Because until you really get it, then i will just be making noise.

Up until my mum was hospitalized, i did not get exactly what having a person in hospital was all about.  Then, i thought that a simple 'sorry' would suffice for someone who had a sick person in hospital. I never thought about visiting or even asking about how these people were doing. I just did not get it, and worse still i did not even bother to want to get it. And today i can tell you, until you have had a sick person in hospital, you just do not get what it is all about. I think that is the point i wanted to state about that...or not, am not sure!

Heheheh! And my mind has shifted to something else again...money and friends. The two things that i needed most during this period...and they were there, just in the right portions needed. Whenever, we needed money for that extra test, that medicine required...something always came through. And at that very moment when i needed a shoulder to cry on...there always was more than a pair available. Old friends, new friends, people i did not know who later became friends...humanity really came through for me during this period. I even remember crying on the shoulder of a twelve year old girl i had met just 30 minutes earlier at the blood transfusion center ! (Yeah...she was shocked and scared to death am sure, but she put on a brave face for me at that moment)
Yet it is also the period when i most hated people and the whole world in general.

And about God, this is the period when i just came face to face with His manifestations. The time when i think i saw Him, even touched Him...He was right there before my eyes. But never before in my life have i felt so far away from Him, as if He was not there, lifeless...like a statue. I just cant express it. So about Him...i will let my mind wander, as far as it can reach for my sake. But for your sake, and other factors considered, i will let it stay in my mind!

These days i feel that, as humans, we never really experience life to the fullest. That we do not live, we just exist.  That we do not appreciate enough of what we have and that we do not capture life's moments. I think we should explode...with all that we are...and just be. Because i think, what is the worst that could happen? But then again, it does not matter...it all does not matter at all.

And now...am left wondering...so what? After letting my mind wander and after rumbling about it here...So what? Then i realize i am just so f**** tired about it all. I also realize that i don't care...and that i do not even know what am feeling. Oh...the word for it would be blur! I feel blur...whatever that means.
Anyway, i know all this does not make sense ...and i don't know what does. But i just felt like writing it down anyway. Maybe am battling with my inner demons, whatever those are, or maybe am just going plain crazy. But who cares anyway???...i know i don't!!!

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Death...

The death of a human being is something that i have really been struggling to comprehend lately. I don't know where souls go after they die.., i have never really wanted to know. But since the passing on of my mum, i cant help but wonder where she is. I really cant fathom that a person who is here today can just vanish into nothingness tommorow. I just cant understand that a human being who is breathing this moment, can just go into numbness the next moment.
The day my mum died is a day that i will keep replaying in my mind over and over again for a long time to come.There are so many things about that day that i just dont understand. When i was told my mum had died.., i just stared, i felt numb, i felt nothing. I could not believe it...i could not even imagine how she could be dead.
Up until then...the word death held no meaning whatsoever to me. I remember walking up to the ICU, in the midst of wailing and screaming from my cousins and aunts. Most of them wanted to hold me, but i did not want to be held, heck i did not even want to be touched. By the time i got to see my mum's body, i was very angry. I looked at her...her eyes closed, body still warm, as if she was just sleeping. I held her.. tried to feel her pulse, and called out.., nothing. They had pronounced her dead almost 5 minutes before i came in.How could she be dead? I just couldnt get it.
I just don't understand how someone can just be lying there...without moving or hearing or doing anything. How does that happen? How does life just vanish?
So back to my previous question, where does the essence of the person, after the body has been discarded, go to? When we say may the souls rest in peace, where are they supposed to rest? In the grave? in the sky? in heaven? where?
Many times while going about my day, i have felt like there is someone there with me, staring, I have felt goosebumps and shivers...as if she was there. And it always gets me wondering...is she somewhere watching us? Is she happy where she is? How does she look like? I just cant seem to decide how to imagine her where she is.., should i see her as she was before or after she was taken ill? Should i imagine her wearing a white robe with a halo on her head? How?
I can tell you that i have spent sleepless nights and empty days trying to get to understand this whole death thing, and am still clueless. . I don't understand how it happens at the worst time ever. and How it just crashes everything, without caring.I am still struggling with accepting that my mum is gone...but i wonder, where to?  Sometimes i think i am crazy, even stupid entertaining these thoughts...so mostly, i try my best to let them go, to not think about them. So i tell myself that yes, it is all in God's hands, and that all is well, and that she is happy and that i have nothing to worry about. Yesterday, it was her, tomorrow it is you and me. After all, that is life, and death.
But i know it will get better someday!!!

Monday, 7 October 2013

Biggest Mistake of my life?!

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life? The other day i was out with friends having a drink trying so hard not to think about the state of my life at the moment. And as the rounds went by, we jumped from one topic to another and interestingly we ended up at the question above. Am not sure if that is exactly how it was phrased but am pretty sure (as fuzzy as i was) that that was what was meant.
I can tell you that the answers that went round were quite interesting. I really had a blast, and a very quick but cherished peek into the lives of the people surrounding me. And i tell you there is nothing as good as getting to know people when drinks are involved ;-). It is life-bonding and magical, heheheh!
However, when it came to my turn, my mind went blank! I kept asking myself, what is the biggest mistake i have ever done? That most shocking thing, the thing that i look back and cringe, or maybe laugh my head off wondering how i ever got the guts to do that. And funny enough, my head went blank! You see, my head has this thing it keeps doing; whenever i am faced with certain issues it goes on freeze mode, refuses to process or just becomes a plain blank sheet for like 5 minutes.
So needless to say i had nothing to say...which i think my friends expected, after all i have been this almost perfect girl my entire life!!! hah!
All my life, i have had this good girl image, that cliche clean cut, girl next door tag. Almost three quarters of the people i meet love me ( and am not just being obnoxious), and half of the people i know would let me get away with anything just on the excuse that something must have triggered me, or that i had no other option or that i did not mean it (thinking of it now i wonder why i have never taken more advantage of this).
The funny thing is, to some extent i too believed it. I bought into this, i am a good person thing. Heck, my mama must have been so clever, because she made me believe that i was a saint, almost something like the chosen one (chosen for what exactly, am not sure.., but it really did make her work easier) So i ended up being the girl with the good grades, the teachers pet, the one who did her chores, respected her elders, the one who never had a boyfriend till i finished high school, the one who listened to elders, never ran off to discos and nightclubs (even today),the one who did not get pregnant in school, the one who went to university (which is a major feat at our place) and graduated (another major feat), the role model, to a few people i hope.
What they never told me was i was the boring one.  I remember someone talking about my mum at her funeral saying that my mum lived in a way it was as though she was not there! I get that they meant she did not like people knowing her business and getting their noses into it. Yet my mama really loved life and had a blast. She never missed an opportunity to make herself happy...at all times. She really danced to the groove of life...to the end. And yet people say it was almost like she was not there? It got me thinking...what would people say about my life really when they lay me down to rest? What would they look back to? The thing that would make them throw their heads back and laugh their pants off ( as a friend recently put it).
As i gasped and laughed about the funny and shocking escapades of my friends, it finally dawned on me that I had no shocker moment in my life...! To tell the truth, am still not sure whether it is a good or bad thing, but  maybe it is high time that i shed off this good girl image and embraced life.., embraced vanity...after all life is just too short. And as the wisest man who ever walked this earth wisely stated ;
"So don't be too good or too wise-why kill yourself. But don't be too wicked or too foolish, either-why die before you have to?"