Monday, 30 September 2013

From A Girl to A Woman

Well there are some pretty interesting things that have happened to me the last six months that I think are worth mentioning;
First- The hullabaloos of a final year university student that come as a result of the fear of facing the unknown. For me, I had it all worked out. The plan was I was to apply to all the top notch employers in Nairobi, do my final exams in June and then ship myself to my boyfriends safe haven where I was going to lounge and wait for whoever wanted to employ me to call. I wanted the fast paced classy high life and damn I was going to do all it takes to get it.  I thought this was a perfect plan…, however life had something else in store for me!
Second-By April I had been called for interviews by the top graduate employers and my hopes were flying high. By the time I was sitting my last paper, I had a job waiting for me, though not what I had expected, but something nonetheless. I counted myself lucky and blessed, and indeed I was.
Third- the shift to Mombasa, yes the job was in Mombasa!…I had to change my plans, my thinking, my attitude.  I met new people, way of doing things and living. And to sum it all up…am still adjusting.
Fourth- The boyfriend drama and issues…hahah! I guess this is the part of my life that intrigues me the most! I managed to partially move in, meet my in-laws, attend their family affairs, almost get married and move back with my family all in six months. The good thing is, even with all this, he still gets me! And that’s a very huge plus.
Fifth- Followed the crisis or dilemma…or whatever it is called! But here I was at a dead end. Nothing excited me…the challenges were not fun, i was tired and aching from within! I felt myself stagnating, growing old, even dying from within!! All that I cared about did not matter, and all that mattered I did not care about! I desperately needed change in my life and I knew that if nothing was changing in my life, then I had to change myself. And thus went my hair, good behavior and some of those views I had about life in general. I had been living all my life thinking about others…either it was my mum, sister, grandma, aunt or some other person I felt I owed. This time I was going to live for me… I wanted to have a life and no one was going to stop me.
Sixth- Were the scares, the stress and the agonies. I have had sleepless nights and dreadful days over office gossip, impossible deadlines, job insecurities, crippling responsibilities and yes pregnancy scares. And I can tell you it has not been an easy road. Caught between losing a job and worrying about a missing period.., a woman sometimes is torn between priorities.
Even with all this happening, somewhere between meeting my prospective future in-laws and having orange hair,  I have accomplished a lot. I charmed my way into the office family circle…well still working at it; I managed to train the women we work with,  lead researches and analyses, host a delegation and plan a marketing and landing site survey, to mention but a few. Above all and most importantly, I have managed to smile, laugh, learn, love and to forgive. I have grown. This year has been a year of transformation and change, surprises and challenges. The great part is I have endured, by the grace of God. 

As a good friend put it, this year I have blossomed from a girl to a woman!!
This year I want to celebrate all those who have been a part of this interesting journey called life with me. Cheers!!! Let’s drink to that.

Speaking at My Own Peril...!

I just buried my mum two days ago...and it seems so unreal. I cant believe she is gone. All her dreams, her hope, her plans.., i cant believe are all gone. It is just so sad that she will not be there when i get married, that she will not hold her grandchildren, that she will not see my sister graduate and become a woman. At times i wish i had given birth at 21, just so that she could hold my baby in her arms.
It is just dawning on me how much i had built and planned my life around her. And now that she is gone, i do not know where to start. My career, my job, my relationships, my hopes, my dreams...were all centered on her. Now i question what meaning life has...and what all these things mean to me without her. Maybe i should just pack and a different job, relationship, town, country and life all together to find myself.
And as all these motions overwhelm me, i cant help my anger towards God. I do not question His existance at all, infact if this period has taught me anything, it is that God does really exist.
Because death..,can never be man-made. It is a state so hard to comprehend and fathom that there has to be a God for it to be possible.
What i do not understand is why all this happened. The death of my mum was a shocker, not only to me, but am sure to my mum herself. My mum, sister and i, really believed, with all our hearts that she would be healed.
And does not the Word of God state clearly that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, then you will move mountains? Was not our faith enough? Were our prayers wrong? Not enough? Did our prayers not reach Him? Was he even hearing us? Did the evil one defeat us?
If so, why would God let that happen? Why does God give satan so much privileges and credit? Why does He entertain him that much really? Isn't He the ultimate? Was He not able to heal my mum?
I know that He was and still is more than able. He just had to say a word, and she would have been healed. It was nothing to Him. But why not? Why did she have to suffer all that much to die? What is His plan?
I feel that He gave her a raw deal!The faith and trust that my mama had in God, at times i feel short changed on her behalf!!!
But then what can i, a mere mortal, a passing wave, no better than a flower, say to Him? Is not He the Almighty, the All Knowing and all powerful? Who am i, a mere fluke, to question? I am nothing, and my existence is nothing but a privilege, a favor.
So i am left to cry my heart out when the pain has gripped my heart, when it is choking me, wrecking me, suffocating me. I am left to swallow down my anger, and harden my heart, to swallow my pride and hide my tail between my legs, and crawl back to Him and ask for grace to face another day. Hoping and praying that it will all make sense some day. That all this pain will fade away and that the face of the Lord will smile down on us once again, and that His radiance will warm our hears again. And also that He will not hold me guilty for asking, for speaking, for questioning. That i am not sealing my fate, for questing a God so Mighty.

Monday, 23 September 2013

A Coffin Worthy of a Beautiful Mama!

Shopping for coffins.., that is one of the things that i never ever imagined myself doing. But today, i went shopping for coffins. Specifications; white, beautiful, comfortable and elegant, to begin with. That describes her to a T. You will be surprised the varieties people have to choose from.., what they do to your pockets, is a different story.
 In the midst of all this, all i could think of was how my Mama loved to look beautiful and young. I remember as we celebrated her 50th birthday, how she said she felt like she was 28 years even though she had just turned 50 in an ICU bed. We all laughed, then. But i knew she meant it. She was always young at heart.., full of energy and hope. She always gave people the benefit of doubt, and would always return good for evil. She genuinely laughed and was never a pretender. My mama loved life.., and put up a hell of a fight to have it. 
 So as we shopped for her clothes, coffins and accessories, my focus was to make her look beautiful. But i know that all things sweet and beautiful in this world could never measure to the sincere love and beauty that she poured into our lives upto her last breath. She opened her heart to everyone she met without limits, when she loved, she loved with all her soul. It was almost to a fault...and i and my sister count ourselves lucky to have been the objects of her affection.
She was one of the most amazing women that ever walked this earth, forgiving, loving, hardworking, strong and honest. She moved the world to give my sister and i a chance at life. She defied all odds and brought up a family that even the most accomplished women in the world just dream of...all by herself. A super woman.
Indeed she was a beautiful woman by all standards, and by God she deserves beautiful things.
Coffins were the last things i ever expected to window shop for.., but now am looking for one worthy of a beautiful Mama!

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

The Bitter sweet symphony...?!!

I have not had enough sleep the past three days...trying to raise half a million shillings. Mmmh, thinking of it now, i wonder what was going through the minds of people i was asking to assist me in this. Well, i guess most knew that we were fighting a losing battle..,just that they could not tell me.
So we did not manage to raise the money, and we had to face the music, good thing is the hospital agreed to release and another one agreed to take us in. Heheheh! It is such a funny game, this game of life. It is a maze...with ways open always, but where they lead to, you will be surprised.
It is during such times that you notice the cry babies, the tempered ones, and the ones with the God syndrome in the family. It is so amazing how the middle class (thats what i like to believe we are even though we can not afford the necessities of life) expect heaven to move for them. You find people who have been waiting the whole day for services and expect to be served before them, reason?, you are being admitted to the private ward! Heheheh, wasnt the shock on us? The so called private ward, is just like a secluded prison, no different from the other prisons, just that you are alone!
Oh, focusing on the positive, i made it for the interview today, and i really really pray that i get that job, God knows i need it, i need the change.
These are the times i wish my father was around. Whoever he is, wherever he is, i really pray that he finds his way to me. Not to give us financial assistance or take over, no, just to be here. It is such a tough world, this one to go it alone. And just for that, i must get married, and make it work.
The doctors say mama shows so much improvement. And that they are working out something to help make her better. Well, i hope God has not forgotten us, no, not us, her. And i really pray that my mum has not lost her faith, like me. I hope God understands, and hears me...even when i cant hear myself. And i really hope that he will not let me die inside... a despair i wouldnt wish on even my worst enemy.
And my sister, she has been amazing. If i was to live this life a second time, i would still want her to be my sister. She has given herself wholly, unselfishly to taking care of mama even when she is supposed to be in school. She has grown up, matured to an extent that she just amazes me. I really do pray that God has not forgotten her and that all this she is going through is not in vain.
Well, these past three days have been filled with tears and smiles, highs and lows, joy and sadness, but we have survived. We have made it through the bitter sweet symphony of what we call life at the moment.

Friday, 13 September 2013

What a day...

Today was the day i was supposed to raise 500,000/- Kenyan shillings within 24hrs!
My first reaction when i was told this by the hospital administration was to laugh it off...i mean, seriously? However, it did not take me long to realize i was the only one laughing.
So here i was...with the task of raising half a million in 24hrs. I could not believe it and yet i could clearly see that these people were serious.
My first reaction...was ACT! I went into action mode, listed all the places i could get this money, formulated texts and sent away. Secondly i called my famuliy members and presented the situation. It did not take log before i realized that nothing was gonna give
Second reaction...Pray! As usual i did not have words to express myself, so i just repeated the same line to God hoping that He could hear me and work out some miracle. All i got was silence and very many question marks that kept me awake the whole night.
Third reaction...Anger! To be frank, i was not expecting much from people, but i did expect a very huge miracle from God. I was so angry at God and the people around me that i could feel myself choking. I had so many questions with no answers...what was the reason why all this was happening? Did God really hear my cry? I understood why man could fail me...heck i had come to expect it from people, but God? I expected Him to move the world for me...after all isnt that what fathers do for their children?
Fourth reaction...Indifference! Well i finally reached the point where i expected anything, I did not care anymore. I was ready for whatever...whether it was taking my mum home, going to jail or having treatment terminated. Whatever God was going to allow to happen i was ready for it!
Well...nothing much happened today, but come to think of it, maybe that was God's way of answering my prayers. We were able to raise 35,000/-, most of which we used to take my mum for dialysis, so the hospital bill issue is still the same. The hospital credit controller has referred the issue to his boss and we now await the verdict!
All i pray for at this point is that the Lord's will be least that, i can handle!

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

For the Lord has been Good to me..

I will sing the LORD's praise, for he has been good to me.
Psalms 13:6

I can not remember any one point in my life when the Lord has not been good to me. I consider myself the most favored and loved person alive! 
I am not saying i have the most or am at the best, but considering my background, it is amazing how far i have come. It is an anomaly...a miracle!
Had it been left to life, i am pretty sure i would have ended up as a casual laborer in some farming fields in Birini (yeah...i know you have never heard of it), married to some old slimy man as the 8th wife!! Or as a house girl in Mtwapa working for some cruel family.

But the Lord has been good to me...he has granted me favour and blessed me indeed. He makes my cup run over and i know that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
For he granted me favour before all schools and i completed my studies, and right before i was done with school he gave me a job that ha sustained me and enabled me to climb up the ladder.
He has opened doors for me that no connections or money could open in my personal and career life. He has given me opportunities and i am now spoiled for choice!!!

Maybe one day i will elaborately spill my story out...or maybe not. Nevertheless, today i just want to thank my God and acknowledge that if He was to stop doing miracles for me today, i would still have uncountable things to show that He has been good to me!!!

For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD; I sing for joy at the works of your hands.         Psalms 92:4


"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
Isaiah 55:8

Two days ago, my mum got out of the ICU!

I am extremely grateful to my God and Lord Jesus Christ. Indeed the Lord is a mighty one, full of wonders and miraculous endeavors, His ways are indeed not our ways!

I remember a week ago, Saturday morning when she crashed,...her blood pressure went to zero, she could not breath and was bleeding without end. The doctors called it' Crash 22'. Everyone was so pessimistic. The hospital staff especially all seemed so sure that she was not going to make it!

The Hospital administrator called me to advise against life support saying that the time had come and that it was good to let go, after all, we will all die, she said.
The nurse in charge, too, called me to ask how i was doing and emphasized that i should be ready to let my mum go!
As i listened to all this advise and watched my grandmother and sister breakdown, all i could think about was whether this was how my mum was going to die!! Deep down in my heart, i knew it was not and in the midst of all the confusion, panic and hysteria i called out to my God, though to be frank, i really was not sure whether He could hear me!

ICU was a whole different story. They say that here, patients are nearer to God and he tells them 'I can see You!' Well, i tell you, it has to be is only when God can see you that you manage to get out of the ICU!! It was a week of anxiety, stress and desperation. We were often chased out and told that we could not see her as nurses and doctors ran up and down, in and out, whispering in loud voices.

It is funny that when you really need to pray that you do not have words to tell God. All i could utter during this whole ordeal was 'Please God heal my Mum'. No matter how hard i tried, i just had no other words to tell God.I just waited on Him.

So yesterday night was my turn to sleep with her at the hospital ward, after getting out of the ICU. It was such a wonderful experience. My mum was so happy to have me attend to her and i could tell that she had really missed us during her stint in ICU. Even in the midst of incoherent bubbles, coughing fits and weird demands, she kept on smiling and giggling. Looking at her then, i just could not believe how far and how much God had brought us and done for us!

As i write this, i am truly convinced that my Mum is going to be well. If God has done for us all those many things and walked with us through the shadow of death, why should He not heal my mother?

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

He will also Provide a Way Out...

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.1 Corinthians 10:13

I really do believe in the word of God...and i really do believe that God never gives you anything that you can not handle!
Considering what the past two months have brought along, i think that God considers me and my sister Super Women! Am not saying we have had the worst ever thrown at us.., no, not at all! I do know that there are people who have had it worse.
Two months ago, my biggest fear was how i was to sustain my sister and i, through university for four years, and yet all it cost was 140,000 in three months. I ranted, wrecked my brain and had sleepless nights over this. I was at a dead end and thought that all this was unfair!!!
Well, today, this seems like child's play to me.With a medical bill of over one million shillings and mounting, and my mum still trapped in a hospital bed fighting for her life, i go to bed very peacefully, with little worry over how we are going to manage, because deep down in my heart, i know He will also provide a way out!
How i ever forgot this, i have no idea, but well, God has a way of reminding us that He is Indeed GOD!