Thursday, 19 December 2013

2013...I survived you!


Murphy's law states simply that  "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

The thing about life is that at any given moment, something might, and most likely will happen, that will knock the wind out of you and leave you wondering, starry eyed, what the hell just happened.
If you are lucky, it will be one thing, if you are very lucky it will be all things. As it is said, when it rains, it pours
.
That is how 2013 has been for me, it has been pouring. I remember telling myself that this was going to be a year of change...a shift of some kind, what exactly, i was not sure. Well, i guess the shock is on me because CHANGE does not even begin to describe what this year has been like. 

My wings were clipped, my foundation shattered, my walls crumbled and the roof...well am not sure whether it is still in place :-(

There is literally no part of my life that was not touched...none at all. Well i guess the gods had it in for me this time.

Looking back at it, i just have no words at all. Just a physical ache in my heart, while some kind of defeated sigh escapes my body. If i was in a boxing ring i would surrender right now, defeated and acknowledge that life wins, hands down. It indeed the master here, no questions asked.

But then i imagine lying on that ring, look around and realize that i am still here. That despite its hardest blows and kick ass whooping, i am indeed still here. Maybe it is luck, maybe by design or maybe just by the sheer will to survive within me. But i am still here.

IT happened. There is no avoiding it, no forgetting. No running away, or flying, or burying, or hiding.

But i survived. Period!

This year i just survived...! Yes...i just survived Muphy's law through and through...!, if there is nothing else i did.

At this point, (at the risk of figuratively having my knees crashed and legs broken before the year is over), me being me, i am tempted to look life straight in the eye, tongue out and make a cheeky face, just to mock its plots. Hehehe! Instead, i raise my eyes towards the sky and whisper a thank you to my creator, for yet another chance to do it all over again.

So here is to another year....here is to 2014. Please be good to me!

Cheers!





Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Playing life...!

Have you ever felt like you want to poke life? Like you want to do something so stupid and amazing that life will go like waaat? Yes, lately i have been feeling that way. I feel like this life has been pulling pranks on me, and asking me react to what it gives me, and i feel like a puppet. An angry puppet for that matter!!

So now, i have decided, i am going to have my own person, with a name, and a everything else, and get to know what it really means to own people! To control the strings. Exciting huh?! I know! And that's what makes it awesome ;-). I mean, if i can't have a say in my life, i might a well have a say in someone else's life...even if that someone is just a creation!

I know you will think i am weird...i know you will. But humor me if you will and join me in this adventure of a girl, lets call her Nadima, yes Nadima. So this girl Nadima, is say 26 years old, confused and just has no idea what she wants from life. She is an intelligent girl, just a little bit naive and very distrustful of people. She is by all means a good person, not religious good, but naturally and sincerely good. She is those people who are not neccesitated to be good because of the promise of heaven or the wrath of hell. She is just good, period!!!

Now in a normal world, it is extremely hard to find a genuinely good girl who is extremely beautiful. But this is my world, i make the rules and create the standards. So Nadima, is indeed also a very beautiful girl. Describing her beauty would in essence be doing a very big injustice to hers, because seriously, she is beyond human imagination!!!

So here, we have this beautiful girl with a golden heart, a Mijikenda Cinderella if you may, right? Hehehe! Am already loving it.

Now i do not know how and where life will take this girl, but am surely excited to know how it is to hold someones life in your hands. To pull the strings, and rock the boat...to watch them smile and laugh, to watch them when they are on top of the world and also to see them fall and weep, broken and then see the magic of healing and rising up once again. All on my own terms! Yes, my terms.

I know, i am really at the risk of sounding like some freak, but please join me as we try to find out, really what life has in store for Nadima. This beautiful and amazing creation of mine, in my perfect world.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Today, i moved my tongue!!!

Today, i finally moved my tongue. In my dream, my tongue moved! My voice was not so audible, but i uttered something. "Burn, burn!!!" I kept repeating.
Not so strange you think?!  Well you do not know my frustrations!

For a very long time in my life...i have been having this dream where i can not speak. My tongue is usually so heavy i can not move it no matter how hard i try. My voice disappears and my mouth can not open. At the same time, usually there is something very bad happening around that i am supposed to speak to, but all the time, i always i end up not being able to speak! It is such a frustrating and scary experience i tell you. You have to live it to understand.

Now, i live in a community where we believe that dreams are a manifestation of everyday life. It is in dreams that we at times get to continue and create our waking realities. Thereby...what happens in our dreams is sealed in our realities and what happens in our realities can at times be undone in our dreams. And this is where my fears begun.

You can imagine the fear i had of dreaming then. Not only dreaming for that matter, but for a long time i dreaded the end of day. I dreaded night fall and darkness. I kept awake for as long as i could until i eventually had a sleeping problem. I just could not sleep and for a while i loved it. But then it became another problem! Heheh!

What could it mean that i can not speak in my dreams? That there is something horrible happening to me and i just can not speak, when somehow it feels like if i speak then it will be over. That i will be safe.

Now today, in my dream, i was out in the field doing my thing (my work with women), everything was going on well. And then my uncle appeared...heheheh! (Don't ask). I went to say hi...and he did not recognise me, so i reminded him.
"Its Kajuzi", i said.
He could not remember me. He then introduced me to a lady seated next to him, his aid or something. And out of nowhere, before i knew what was happening, this woman was killing me. Yes, her face changed, she became some kind of animal i have never seen before. And she was surely killing me!

As usual, i could not move my tongue, nor could my mouth open. My voice was stuck somewhere inside me and no matter how hard i tried, it did not come out. It was scary. I struggled and struggled, almost to the point of dying. It was exhausting. And then just as i was about to give up, something pushed me on and i opened my mouth and it came out, a whisper at first, but it did come out. I eventually was screaming
"Burn in Jesus name, Burn"

Believe it or not, the woman started bleeding, from everywhere and she dropped, before my feet and turned into a scary skeleton. And then i woke up!!!

Well, i am not sure what that meant really, but am surely glad that my voice came out. And i surely do pray that the next time there is a stone that keeps growing into this boulder that is about to crush me and the whole world, then i will find my voice!











Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Love, men and competition

I have always been the type of girl who reads between the lines, even when there is nothing to read there. I really believe that people say a lot from what they are not saying...and that you can tell a lot about some one from the shape of their fingers, the shape of their necks, to the length and feel of their names.  Some one named Maureen would definitely have to be big bodied (from the length of the name) and grounded ( from the letter M, which is stable in its standing).

Reading between the lines, they say, can save you from a crappy relationship or a bad investment, you just have to be keen. And after watching quite too much of the Mentalist and Criminal minds kind of shows, i think i have perfected my art.Come to think of it, i probably should open a psychic shop ;-)

So the other day i was talking to this guy about this friend of his who had all of a sudden developed a certain interest on me. From nowhere, this person was everywhere i looked...from my fb page to my mails. So as usual whenever you see a new interest in your life, whom you do not know, you start doing some digging...stalking if you may. Until i found that this girl, yes it is a girl, went to school with my boyfriend.

Why was she interested in me? Maybe she was an ex? or a prospect who was checking out the competition while strategizing on how to overthrow me!!! Would she just woo herself in or was she the kind that would hire some thugs to beat me up? I could not help myself, so i decided to bring her up in the conversation.

So a few back and forths with explanations from him of how she is an innocent cute girl who was everyone's eye candy in campus, that he never pursued , i finally asked; 'Then why did you not pursue her?' The answer, (and here is where my reading between the lines came in), was, drum rolls......, and i quote "I do not like competition."

Poor guy, he really had no clue that he was digging his own grave!!!

Now, any girl would like to believe that there are hundreds, no, thousands of guys out there who are seated dreaming of making her their woman. Might not be true, but hey, we like to think it. And we do not want to hear otherwise. And here was this guy, telling me that he did not like competition and yet had ended up with me. Me me me!!!

So here is how my thought process went;

He is with me - yet he does not like competition = Me + No competition - No other guys interested

That is what he was saying without saying. That i was an easy target, that there weren't many that were interested in me. Which could mean that i was either hideous (read not beautiful), or not worthy of having guys chasing after me (read bad character and personality), BORING!. And that is where the problem begun.

Did he really mean that? How did he see me? What did he think about me? Was there really no competition to get me? And what did that say about me? The questions kept running in my head that it almost burst. I tossed and turned for days trying to ponder this out. And boy, was he in trouble.

I wanted to believe and prove that indeed i was that girl, the one that turns heads wherever they go and the kind that would have men ogling and falling before her all the time. I thought about it for a long time...and i have come to the conclusion that maybe he was indeed right.

At the end of the day,  men and women all over the world will go for someone that seems available and easy to get i think. Love is about that who is there, who is not taken and is accessible. Maybe that man or girl would not be yours had you thought that going after her would be in vain. And that any man and woman, really knows his potential and that by just one look, they can tell whether this is really their fight or not.

I have come to learn that men do not just enter the ring to fight for any girl that catches their fancy. Truth be told, many men will quietly leave the ring rather than stand up to a fight they are destined to loose. They will definitely pass many girls that they think are too good for them, but that does not mean that those they fight for are any less important, it just means that they are just right for them.

After all is said and done folks,with all its complications and hullabaloos, love always goes to the one who is available.

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