Thursday, 19 December 2013

2013...I survived you!


Murphy's law states simply that  "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

The thing about life is that at any given moment, something might, and most likely will happen, that will knock the wind out of you and leave you wondering, starry eyed, what the hell just happened.
If you are lucky, it will be one thing, if you are very lucky it will be all things. As it is said, when it rains, it pours
.
That is how 2013 has been for me, it has been pouring. I remember telling myself that this was going to be a year of change...a shift of some kind, what exactly, i was not sure. Well, i guess the shock is on me because CHANGE does not even begin to describe what this year has been like. 

My wings were clipped, my foundation shattered, my walls crumbled and the roof...well am not sure whether it is still in place :-(

There is literally no part of my life that was not touched...none at all. Well i guess the gods had it in for me this time.

Looking back at it, i just have no words at all. Just a physical ache in my heart, while some kind of defeated sigh escapes my body. If i was in a boxing ring i would surrender right now, defeated and acknowledge that life wins, hands down. It indeed the master here, no questions asked.

But then i imagine lying on that ring, look around and realize that i am still here. That despite its hardest blows and kick ass whooping, i am indeed still here. Maybe it is luck, maybe by design or maybe just by the sheer will to survive within me. But i am still here.

IT happened. There is no avoiding it, no forgetting. No running away, or flying, or burying, or hiding.

But i survived. Period!

This year i just survived...! Yes...i just survived Muphy's law through and through...!, if there is nothing else i did.

At this point, (at the risk of figuratively having my knees crashed and legs broken before the year is over), me being me, i am tempted to look life straight in the eye, tongue out and make a cheeky face, just to mock its plots. Hehehe! Instead, i raise my eyes towards the sky and whisper a thank you to my creator, for yet another chance to do it all over again.

So here is to another year....here is to 2014. Please be good to me!

Cheers!





Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Playing life...!

Have you ever felt like you want to poke life? Like you want to do something so stupid and amazing that life will go like waaat? Yes, lately i have been feeling that way. I feel like this life has been pulling pranks on me, and asking me react to what it gives me, and i feel like a puppet. An angry puppet for that matter!!

So now, i have decided, i am going to have my own person, with a name, and a everything else, and get to know what it really means to own people! To control the strings. Exciting huh?! I know! And that's what makes it awesome ;-). I mean, if i can't have a say in my life, i might a well have a say in someone else's life...even if that someone is just a creation!

I know you will think i am weird...i know you will. But humor me if you will and join me in this adventure of a girl, lets call her Nadima, yes Nadima. So this girl Nadima, is say 26 years old, confused and just has no idea what she wants from life. She is an intelligent girl, just a little bit naive and very distrustful of people. She is by all means a good person, not religious good, but naturally and sincerely good. She is those people who are not neccesitated to be good because of the promise of heaven or the wrath of hell. She is just good, period!!!

Now in a normal world, it is extremely hard to find a genuinely good girl who is extremely beautiful. But this is my world, i make the rules and create the standards. So Nadima, is indeed also a very beautiful girl. Describing her beauty would in essence be doing a very big injustice to hers, because seriously, she is beyond human imagination!!!

So here, we have this beautiful girl with a golden heart, a Mijikenda Cinderella if you may, right? Hehehe! Am already loving it.

Now i do not know how and where life will take this girl, but am surely excited to know how it is to hold someones life in your hands. To pull the strings, and rock the boat...to watch them smile and laugh, to watch them when they are on top of the world and also to see them fall and weep, broken and then see the magic of healing and rising up once again. All on my own terms! Yes, my terms.

I know, i am really at the risk of sounding like some freak, but please join me as we try to find out, really what life has in store for Nadima. This beautiful and amazing creation of mine, in my perfect world.

Monday, 16 December 2013

Today, i moved my tongue!!!

Today, i finally moved my tongue. In my dream, my tongue moved! My voice was not so audible, but i uttered something. "Burn, burn!!!" I kept repeating.
Not so strange you think?!  Well you do not know my frustrations!

For a very long time in my life...i have been having this dream where i can not speak. My tongue is usually so heavy i can not move it no matter how hard i try. My voice disappears and my mouth can not open. At the same time, usually there is something very bad happening around that i am supposed to speak to, but all the time, i always i end up not being able to speak! It is such a frustrating and scary experience i tell you. You have to live it to understand.

Now, i live in a community where we believe that dreams are a manifestation of everyday life. It is in dreams that we at times get to continue and create our waking realities. Thereby...what happens in our dreams is sealed in our realities and what happens in our realities can at times be undone in our dreams. And this is where my fears begun.

You can imagine the fear i had of dreaming then. Not only dreaming for that matter, but for a long time i dreaded the end of day. I dreaded night fall and darkness. I kept awake for as long as i could until i eventually had a sleeping problem. I just could not sleep and for a while i loved it. But then it became another problem! Heheh!

What could it mean that i can not speak in my dreams? That there is something horrible happening to me and i just can not speak, when somehow it feels like if i speak then it will be over. That i will be safe.

Now today, in my dream, i was out in the field doing my thing (my work with women), everything was going on well. And then my uncle appeared...heheheh! (Don't ask). I went to say hi...and he did not recognise me, so i reminded him.
"Its Kajuzi", i said.
He could not remember me. He then introduced me to a lady seated next to him, his aid or something. And out of nowhere, before i knew what was happening, this woman was killing me. Yes, her face changed, she became some kind of animal i have never seen before. And she was surely killing me!

As usual, i could not move my tongue, nor could my mouth open. My voice was stuck somewhere inside me and no matter how hard i tried, it did not come out. It was scary. I struggled and struggled, almost to the point of dying. It was exhausting. And then just as i was about to give up, something pushed me on and i opened my mouth and it came out, a whisper at first, but it did come out. I eventually was screaming
"Burn in Jesus name, Burn"

Believe it or not, the woman started bleeding, from everywhere and she dropped, before my feet and turned into a scary skeleton. And then i woke up!!!

Well, i am not sure what that meant really, but am surely glad that my voice came out. And i surely do pray that the next time there is a stone that keeps growing into this boulder that is about to crush me and the whole world, then i will find my voice!











Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Love, men and competition

I have always been the type of girl who reads between the lines, even when there is nothing to read there. I really believe that people say a lot from what they are not saying...and that you can tell a lot about some one from the shape of their fingers, the shape of their necks, to the length and feel of their names.  Some one named Maureen would definitely have to be big bodied (from the length of the name) and grounded ( from the letter M, which is stable in its standing).

Reading between the lines, they say, can save you from a crappy relationship or a bad investment, you just have to be keen. And after watching quite too much of the Mentalist and Criminal minds kind of shows, i think i have perfected my art.Come to think of it, i probably should open a psychic shop ;-)

So the other day i was talking to this guy about this friend of his who had all of a sudden developed a certain interest on me. From nowhere, this person was everywhere i looked...from my fb page to my mails. So as usual whenever you see a new interest in your life, whom you do not know, you start doing some digging...stalking if you may. Until i found that this girl, yes it is a girl, went to school with my boyfriend.

Why was she interested in me? Maybe she was an ex? or a prospect who was checking out the competition while strategizing on how to overthrow me!!! Would she just woo herself in or was she the kind that would hire some thugs to beat me up? I could not help myself, so i decided to bring her up in the conversation.

So a few back and forths with explanations from him of how she is an innocent cute girl who was everyone's eye candy in campus, that he never pursued , i finally asked; 'Then why did you not pursue her?' The answer, (and here is where my reading between the lines came in), was, drum rolls......, and i quote "I do not like competition."

Poor guy, he really had no clue that he was digging his own grave!!!

Now, any girl would like to believe that there are hundreds, no, thousands of guys out there who are seated dreaming of making her their woman. Might not be true, but hey, we like to think it. And we do not want to hear otherwise. And here was this guy, telling me that he did not like competition and yet had ended up with me. Me me me!!!

So here is how my thought process went;

He is with me - yet he does not like competition = Me + No competition - No other guys interested

That is what he was saying without saying. That i was an easy target, that there weren't many that were interested in me. Which could mean that i was either hideous (read not beautiful), or not worthy of having guys chasing after me (read bad character and personality), BORING!. And that is where the problem begun.

Did he really mean that? How did he see me? What did he think about me? Was there really no competition to get me? And what did that say about me? The questions kept running in my head that it almost burst. I tossed and turned for days trying to ponder this out. And boy, was he in trouble.

I wanted to believe and prove that indeed i was that girl, the one that turns heads wherever they go and the kind that would have men ogling and falling before her all the time. I thought about it for a long time...and i have come to the conclusion that maybe he was indeed right.

At the end of the day,  men and women all over the world will go for someone that seems available and easy to get i think. Love is about that who is there, who is not taken and is accessible. Maybe that man or girl would not be yours had you thought that going after her would be in vain. And that any man and woman, really knows his potential and that by just one look, they can tell whether this is really their fight or not.

I have come to learn that men do not just enter the ring to fight for any girl that catches their fancy. Truth be told, many men will quietly leave the ring rather than stand up to a fight they are destined to loose. They will definitely pass many girls that they think are too good for them, but that does not mean that those they fight for are any less important, it just means that they are just right for them.

After all is said and done folks,with all its complications and hullabaloos, love always goes to the one who is available.

Up top ;-)






Thursday, 21 November 2013

Life & A taxi ride in Mombasa



This week I had an opportunity of working from town, which as you know in my job rarely happens. So the previous weekend, I rushed to Kongowea to look for '100 bob' official trousers, blouses and shoes to don during my stint at the center of the Mombasa business hub. They say the first impression is a lasting impression, so I was determined to present myself to the organizations we were capacity building, as someone who knew what she was talking about. To say the least I was excited.
One evening, while on my ride back home experiencing the ever growing "jamming" of Mombasa, I could not help enjoying myself. This was the perfect opportunity to delve into my own world...to build my castles, present and argue my cases before myself and fight my demons. So I switched into a daze, turned my eyes towards the almost blinding, almost beautiful lights of the numerous cars stuck in the jam and started day dreaming.
The taxi driver, uncomfortable with the silence I guess, tried putting on some music to console himself to no avail. He attempted a conversation, which I ignored, pretending to fall asleep. A statement about the traffic here, about Mombasa there and eventually he hit the jackpot!
"What is your greatest fear Maureen?" He asked.
I immediately sat upright and looked at him straight in the face and laughed! So hard he couldn’t help joining me!
"Nothing" I curtly told him. He went on to bubble about how everyone has a fear of something or another, not knowing that he was opening a well so deep he was about to drown!
You see, of late I have been thinking about the life, its meaning, and all those things that I have come to realize most people are either afraid to talk or even think about and what really is our purpose on this earth.
He was a newly born Christian and was very excited to tall me about the purpose of God for us and how, we will eventually live on earth forever. That heaven will be here on earth and that there is no hell. Apparently according to him, hell was not a fire really, but dying forever.
Now me being me, started challenging him. From issues about the beginning of the earth, to whether Adam and Eve were that first people on earth and where is it written that hell is a burning fire! We went on and on.
Now for those who do not know me. I just love arguments. I am very good at arguing a point just for the sake of arguing...not because I believe any part of it. Someone once said that the evidence of intelligence is being able to entertain a n idea or a thought even though it goes against what you believe in, and as any of us, I love thinking myself intelligent :-0

Anyway, my point in all this is usually simple, to show people that things do not necessarily have to be the way you think them to be, heck, most of the times they are not even how you think them to be. And acknowledging this, I think, is the beginning of a rather exciting adventure.

Life is a matter of perception, eventually,  you see. I strongly believe from the bottom of my heart that we all see this world very differently….where as I see a calm beautiful sunny day, someone else might be seeing a horrifying blinding burning furnace of an afternoon in Mombasa.
Now this is nothing new, I know, but you never really know its meaning unless you have the opportunity of experiencing it, entertaining people's views and outlooks of life, it is just indescribable!!!
So back to the taxi driver, after taking him through a marathon of what he thought were contradictions and me as a very very  very troubled soul he says, i concluded by telling him this;
  • Eventually, all this is vanity, as the wisest man put it. When you drop dead and die, the world does not stop for you, it goes on and forgets you like a drops of sweat that eventually drip to the hot sands that drink them up leaving no trace of their existence. At times i think that we are just collateral damage to prove a point in what a friend of mine termed as a battle of egos!
  • What is really important is a personal relationship with your God, and as in any healthy relationship it has to  be two way and it has to be real.
  •  Lastly, there is nothing that you and I could do to make God love you any less or hate you any more. Stop trying to buy his love or bribing him, life will be much easier if you just let His will be done.

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

My attempts at finding a life partner


Lately, I have developed quite a number of new hobbies that I strangely have come to love so much because they lend me some kind of badly needed escapism. And one of them is drinking wine! Yes...these days you want me in on your plots, bring along some wine and am taken.
So the other day, while having a good time over a few bottles of wine, we started discussing things to do with love and eventually marriage. What my friends kept on insisting is that marriage has nothing to do with love but everything to do with fondness and tolerance. Yes, Fondness and Tolerance! So disappointing, right? Well, all of life is, eventually, a disappointment in some way, so we have to deal with it.
 Now , it got me thinking, how does one go about selecting a life partner then? How do you know that he is the one to be fond with and tolerate?!!! I am not sure, but i thought it was worth sharing

So it took me down memory lane, looking at the trend that I have been setting , and here is how my attempt at choosing a life partner has been so far..

You know those dreams you have when growing up? Yes, those ones. Tall dark and handsome? Or some weird combinations of some sort, yeah?
Well the thing is, for me,  i always had a thing for overconfident, arrogant and too full of themselves guys. They always struck my eye...always drew me to them, maybe its some psychological issues about authority or something, am not sure, but they always made my blood rush.
And here is how it went...
There is one that i found in bed with his girl  'friend'...Oh, and by the way, i politely said hi to her after she was done.
There is this other one who was a pathological liar...he just had a habit of building castles in the air and actually living in them it was just so sad.
And another one who just could not control his tear buds...he broke down over any and all issues. I literally had to man up here.
Then there is the one who just did not have time for me...why i called him my boyfriend in the first place, i don't know.

And then there is the flavor of the moment. I just cant seem to sum him up really!!!
This guy i have been seeing  for 1,247 days now. Yes...it is like forever, (and it is a first for me), yet I have never gotten to that point where i can say...i know this guy.

More than half of the time we have been together, we have been apart. Which to me is a good thing, because frankly, i just can not imagine seeing someone every weekend, or maybe everyday for 365 days in a year.
Growing up, I saw my 'father' averagely once in three years! So I think that explains my dilemma.
It would have been so boring i think. Which is one of the reasons why i keep having so many question marks about this marriage thing, but that is a topic for another day.

I just hope that eventually, i will end up with that one person who will be able to deliver on what it apparently is all about, be fond of me and tolerate my nonsense.


Monday, 4 November 2013

My specialty, my calling!


I have always believed that if you can see it, then you can get it. I developed the habit of creating mental images of what I want very early in life. If I wanted a new dress, then I would imagine myself in a new dress ( including color and pattern) days or even months before it even happened. I created mental images of all the things I aspired for.., and I mean all!!! If I really wanted it then I would have a very detailed picture of it.
However, I never had a specific image of what I wanted to be when I grow up. At times I saw myself as an artist (heheh! I do good drawings and paintings at times,, by the way), and others as a secretary, a nurse or something else! I never had a clear picture of what I wanted to become, but during my last years of campus, I had this recurring image.
"I would see myself dressed in 6 inch heels, an impeccable short skirt suit, long sleek hair and bright red lipstick. In this picture, I was always walking on a long modern high tech corridor rushing to a meeting, which I would be chairing. I loved this image, to me, it gave a sense of an accomplished young woman who was happy with where she was,  knew what she wanted, and was not afraid to go for it."

Fast track 2 years down the line and here I was going to work in jeans and a t-shirt wearing rubber shoes and a 'leso' to top it up! The modern high tech corridor replaced by very dusty footpaths.
For quite a while, I could not put into words exactly what I did for a living. I remember once, an organizational auditor asked me what my area of specialization is, and I broke down into laughter.
Eventually, I decided to tell him that I am in programs!!! According to me then, i had no specialization really, I was not doing what I studied for and I had not studied what I was doing! The best I could say to someone about what I did was I work with an NGO, full stop.

I finally figured it out, and here it is. I work in the livelihoods department  of a national NGO, in a project that aims at empowering women in the rural part of Mtwapa, Kilifi County.
 I implement an approach called the Self Help Approach that aims at establishing an institution of rural women who are empowered economically, socially and politically to enable them raise their voices towards the change they want, which includes addressing their household and community needs thereby eradicating poverty, increasing household income while empowering the girl child and woman in rural Kenya.
Now my job in this grand plan is to do everything and anything necessary to ensure that this big picture is achieved. So I do everything...from sweeping tree shades for a meeting, to sitting in national and international forums, from office administration to accounts, you name it, I do it. My everyday interactions are with village folk; men, women and children, under the scorching sun, in school compounds, at water points, in their shambas and in village barazas.

And my days, well, they are unpredictable. Sometimes I get to sit in the office to write lengthy reports, go door knocking on different offices or travel all over Kenya spreading the approach to rural women. However, most of my days begin with a one hour 'bodaboda' ride to either one of the 13 villages that I work with in rural Mtwapa. There, I tie my Kanga and sit down with the village women and discuss about everything … their aspirations, dreams, challenges, opportunities and their action plans. But sometimes, we just sit in their huts and do nothing but talk about their husbands!!! :-)

Well, this is definitely not what I had in mind when I was picturing my career, but I think here, in the midst of abundant laughter and scarce resources, I found my calling. There is something so amazing about a child smiling up at you as you wipe off mucus from his nose, and about a grown up woman calling you aside to ask for your opinion about something, that I just cherish.

Here, i mastered the art of speaking my mind without fear, I learnt to say 'no' and firmly stick to my decisions, I learnt to accept praise with humility and my failures with my head held high. I learnt to bear the joys and burdens of leadership without complaining. I developed a steady hand, a persevering heart, strong shoulders and a quick foot,  and most of all I learnt what my job exactly entails, which is to change the the lives of these people, these families, these communities.

 To tell you the truth, I think the only suit I remember wearing was the one I wore during the period when I was job hunting, and it was a borrowed one, by the way! However,  I think 14 year old me would be very proud to see me today, an accomplished young woman who is aware of who she has become,  thinks she knows what she wants, and is not afraid to go for it!
Granted,  I am still trying to figure out what my area of specialization should or could be, but right now i have learnt to be everything to someone and something to everyone, just at the moment when it is needed.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Here is why I would choose a dude over a chic...any day!!!


So, I will first begin by saying that, I have never been the kind of person who follows the crowd...no, I have never been a follower. I have always enjoyed patching my own way. Not because I consider myself  any special (but truthfully, I do ;-), ) but because I find it much easier. There are no rules, no expectations, no baselines...you are allowed to just be. It saves you so much energy. And the icing on the cake, it enables you to stand out...which, at the end of the day, is what we ladies are aiming at. Because standing out means that you get attention! And, Bingo., you are Home!  :-)

Secondly, I was born in a house of three very beautiful,  independent and intelligent women; raised in a family that is literally  run by women, who are not afraid at all to speak their minds and will have no other way apart from their way. And socialized in a village, (our village has almost 500 inhabitants; You see my seven grandfathers lived in the same piece of land, we are now in the 4th generation), that is 90% female and proud. Need I say that 50% of them are either single mothers, divorced or separated from their husbands? No!

Thirdly, it is therefore obvious that in such a family and village, unless you had your own mind, then you would have to spend all your life doing what others wanted you to do, the errand guy, the hands on person. On top of that, at any one moment, there was always a rumor, a juicy story or malicious information that was doing the rounds. Whether true or false...that was and still is not important, it was just the topic of the moment. And girls, and women, do need something to bond on or about! There was endless drama...i knew no boring moment while growing up because there was always a juicy piece, and it was gooood...unless it was about you!

Fourth, in a family of strong, beautiful and confident women, you grow up wanting to stand out, to be noticed. And so, there was always an air of competition doing the rounds. People feel that they always have to prove themselves; either you are the most beautiful, or the brightest, the one with all the nicest clothes and latest fashions, with the cutest man, the richest man or both if you are lucky enough, the best cook, the loudest, the funniest, the one with the best job, house or even nails...heheh! You had to have something to make you stand out...no matter how trivial. You either had it or created it...and, you are sorted.

Now I noticed at a very early age that this kind of world was a woman eat woman world. That for you to thrive in it, you had to offer sacrifices! You sacrificed your sisters, family, friends...just to fit in. There was no permanent enemy.., nor friend. You had to master the art of being a chameleon, to change color whenever it was necessary. Your friends, could become your enemy any moment and your enemy, your best friend...based on what you had to say in a simple conversation.

I also decided, very early, that this was not my cup of tea. It is exhausting, draining, excruciating and just so much work. So I chose to go against the grain. And yes, I found solace in the company of my male relatives. With them, you just could talk about anything...and not necessarily someone. You could be friends without having a dirty secret binding you. You could fit in without having to not be yourself. You could open up without having to worry whether you would be the next headliner in the family media. And so, my relationship with the  male company began. (Not that it has been a smooth one too, but hey, that is a story for another day ;-)

The truth is I have had my own share of headlining moments, dramas and bonding times. I have at times also been the instigator of these dramas and am not proud of that (ok, maybe a little proud...its fun!!!). But I have loved every moment of it.
The sad thing is, I have ended up looking at the female company with a suspicious eye, very guarded and careful of how, when and where to speak. Just so that I can avoid all the drama that come with it. It is like a second job, this being careful. It is very very very excruciating…like pulling a hangnail from you finger! And so, to avoid it, I hang with the guys...from family, primary to high school, university to work...i went with the boys, well most of the time anyway.

But don’t get me wrong...i will choose a day with the girls over the boys in a second, it is inborn.






Tuesday, 22 October 2013

I Think am Going Crazy...but who cares???

These days my mind and emotions seem to be moving at a speed that i can not keep up with. They seem to have taken a life of their own! It amazes me at times...sometimes i feel like there are so many things clogged up there that want to come out...and my hands and mouth cant keep up. I always feel like i need an audience to tell something, anything and everything. And then again i feel like, the audience does not get me, or what am saying. Sometimes i don't know whether i want to cry or laugh. It is a roller coaster, a battle of some kind within me. It is frustrating i tell you, very frustrating.

Yesterday marked exactly one month since that fateful day. Yes, a month...and it feels like yesterday. Now, it was pointed out to me that there is nothing else i talk about these days, apart from what happened. So i am really trying my best, for the past four hours, to talk of something else apart from that. I will even go a step further...i will not even mention it here, at least in this post i wont.

I really do want to speak about something...the state of our hospitals, about sickness, about life, friends, nature, money and everything in between i think. Am not sure,  because again as i said, my mind has diverted elsewhere again. Maybe i should just save it for another day, when i feel that you will all understand what am talking about. Yes...when you will get it.Because until you really get it, then i will just be making noise.

Up until my mum was hospitalized, i did not get exactly what having a person in hospital was all about.  Then, i thought that a simple 'sorry' would suffice for someone who had a sick person in hospital. I never thought about visiting or even asking about how these people were doing. I just did not get it, and worse still i did not even bother to want to get it. And today i can tell you, until you have had a sick person in hospital, you just do not get what it is all about. I think that is the point i wanted to state about that...or not, am not sure!

Heheheh! And my mind has shifted to something else again...money and friends. The two things that i needed most during this period...and they were there, just in the right portions needed. Whenever, we needed money for that extra test, that medicine required...something always came through. And at that very moment when i needed a shoulder to cry on...there always was more than a pair available. Old friends, new friends, people i did not know who later became friends...humanity really came through for me during this period. I even remember crying on the shoulder of a twelve year old girl i had met just 30 minutes earlier at the blood transfusion center ! (Yeah...she was shocked and scared to death am sure, but she put on a brave face for me at that moment)
Yet it is also the period when i most hated people and the whole world in general.

And about God, this is the period when i just came face to face with His manifestations. The time when i think i saw Him, even touched Him...He was right there before my eyes. But never before in my life have i felt so far away from Him, as if He was not there, lifeless...like a statue. I just cant express it. So about Him...i will let my mind wander, as far as it can reach for my sake. But for your sake, and other factors considered, i will let it stay in my mind!

These days i feel that, as humans, we never really experience life to the fullest. That we do not live, we just exist.  That we do not appreciate enough of what we have and that we do not capture life's moments. I think we should explode...with all that we are...and just be. Because i think, what is the worst that could happen? But then again, it does not matter...it all does not matter at all.

And now...am left wondering...so what? After letting my mind wander and after rumbling about it here...So what? Then i realize i am just so f**** tired about it all. I also realize that i don't care...and that i do not even know what am feeling. Oh...the word for it would be blur! I feel blur...whatever that means.
Anyway, i know all this does not make sense ...and i don't know what does. But i just felt like writing it down anyway. Maybe am battling with my inner demons, whatever those are, or maybe am just going plain crazy. But who cares anyway???...i know i don't!!!

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Death...

The death of a human being is something that i have really been struggling to comprehend lately. I don't know where souls go after they die.., i have never really wanted to know. But since the passing on of my mum, i cant help but wonder where she is. I really cant fathom that a person who is here today can just vanish into nothingness tommorow. I just cant understand that a human being who is breathing this moment, can just go into numbness the next moment.
The day my mum died is a day that i will keep replaying in my mind over and over again for a long time to come.There are so many things about that day that i just dont understand. When i was told my mum had died.., i just stared, i felt numb, i felt nothing. I could not believe it...i could not even imagine how she could be dead.
Up until then...the word death held no meaning whatsoever to me. I remember walking up to the ICU, in the midst of wailing and screaming from my cousins and aunts. Most of them wanted to hold me, but i did not want to be held, heck i did not even want to be touched. By the time i got to see my mum's body, i was very angry. I looked at her...her eyes closed, body still warm, as if she was just sleeping. I held her.. tried to feel her pulse, and called out.., nothing. They had pronounced her dead almost 5 minutes before i came in.How could she be dead? I just couldnt get it.
I just don't understand how someone can just be lying there...without moving or hearing or doing anything. How does that happen? How does life just vanish?
So back to my previous question, where does the essence of the person, after the body has been discarded, go to? When we say may the souls rest in peace, where are they supposed to rest? In the grave? in the sky? in heaven? where?
Many times while going about my day, i have felt like there is someone there with me, staring, I have felt goosebumps and shivers...as if she was there. And it always gets me wondering...is she somewhere watching us? Is she happy where she is? How does she look like? I just cant seem to decide how to imagine her where she is.., should i see her as she was before or after she was taken ill? Should i imagine her wearing a white robe with a halo on her head? How?
I can tell you that i have spent sleepless nights and empty days trying to get to understand this whole death thing, and am still clueless. . I don't understand how it happens at the worst time ever. and How it just crashes everything, without caring.I am still struggling with accepting that my mum is gone...but i wonder, where to?  Sometimes i think i am crazy, even stupid entertaining these thoughts...so mostly, i try my best to let them go, to not think about them. So i tell myself that yes, it is all in God's hands, and that all is well, and that she is happy and that i have nothing to worry about. Yesterday, it was her, tomorrow it is you and me. After all, that is life, and death.
But i know it will get better someday!!!

Monday, 7 October 2013

Biggest Mistake of my life?!

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life? The other day i was out with friends having a drink trying so hard not to think about the state of my life at the moment. And as the rounds went by, we jumped from one topic to another and interestingly we ended up at the question above. Am not sure if that is exactly how it was phrased but am pretty sure (as fuzzy as i was) that that was what was meant.
I can tell you that the answers that went round were quite interesting. I really had a blast, and a very quick but cherished peek into the lives of the people surrounding me. And i tell you there is nothing as good as getting to know people when drinks are involved ;-). It is life-bonding and magical, heheheh!
However, when it came to my turn, my mind went blank! I kept asking myself, what is the biggest mistake i have ever done? That most shocking thing, the thing that i look back and cringe, or maybe laugh my head off wondering how i ever got the guts to do that. And funny enough, my head went blank! You see, my head has this thing it keeps doing; whenever i am faced with certain issues it goes on freeze mode, refuses to process or just becomes a plain blank sheet for like 5 minutes.
So needless to say i had nothing to say...which i think my friends expected, after all i have been this almost perfect girl my entire life!!! hah!
All my life, i have had this good girl image, that cliche clean cut, girl next door tag. Almost three quarters of the people i meet love me ( and am not just being obnoxious), and half of the people i know would let me get away with anything just on the excuse that something must have triggered me, or that i had no other option or that i did not mean it (thinking of it now i wonder why i have never taken more advantage of this).
The funny thing is, to some extent i too believed it. I bought into this, i am a good person thing. Heck, my mama must have been so clever, because she made me believe that i was a saint, almost something like the chosen one (chosen for what exactly, am not sure.., but it really did make her work easier) So i ended up being the girl with the good grades, the teachers pet, the one who did her chores, respected her elders, the one who never had a boyfriend till i finished high school, the one who listened to elders, never ran off to discos and nightclubs (even today),the one who did not get pregnant in school, the one who went to university (which is a major feat at our place) and graduated (another major feat), the role model, to a few people i hope.
What they never told me was i was the boring one.  I remember someone talking about my mum at her funeral saying that my mum lived in a way it was as though she was not there! I get that they meant she did not like people knowing her business and getting their noses into it. Yet my mama really loved life and had a blast. She never missed an opportunity to make herself happy...at all times. She really danced to the groove of life...to the end. And yet people say it was almost like she was not there? It got me thinking...what would people say about my life really when they lay me down to rest? What would they look back to? The thing that would make them throw their heads back and laugh their pants off ( as a friend recently put it).
As i gasped and laughed about the funny and shocking escapades of my friends, it finally dawned on me that I had no shocker moment in my life...! To tell the truth, am still not sure whether it is a good or bad thing, but  maybe it is high time that i shed off this good girl image and embraced life.., embraced vanity...after all life is just too short. And as the wisest man who ever walked this earth wisely stated ;
"So don't be too good or too wise-why kill yourself. But don't be too wicked or too foolish, either-why die before you have to?"

Monday, 30 September 2013

From A Girl to A Woman


Well there are some pretty interesting things that have happened to me the last six months that I think are worth mentioning;
First- The hullabaloos of a final year university student that come as a result of the fear of facing the unknown. For me, I had it all worked out. The plan was I was to apply to all the top notch employers in Nairobi, do my final exams in June and then ship myself to my boyfriends safe haven where I was going to lounge and wait for whoever wanted to employ me to call. I wanted the fast paced classy high life and damn I was going to do all it takes to get it.  I thought this was a perfect plan…, however life had something else in store for me!
Second-By April I had been called for interviews by the top graduate employers and my hopes were flying high. By the time I was sitting my last paper, I had a job waiting for me, though not what I had expected, but something nonetheless. I counted myself lucky and blessed, and indeed I was.
Third- the shift to Mombasa, yes the job was in Mombasa!…I had to change my plans, my thinking, my attitude.  I met new people, way of doing things and living. And to sum it all up…am still adjusting.
Fourth- The boyfriend drama and issues…hahah! I guess this is the part of my life that intrigues me the most! I managed to partially move in, meet my in-laws, attend their family affairs, almost get married and move back with my family all in six months. The good thing is, even with all this, he still gets me! And that’s a very huge plus.
Fifth- Followed the crisis or dilemma…or whatever it is called! But here I was at a dead end. Nothing excited me…the challenges were not fun, i was tired and aching from within! I felt myself stagnating, growing old, even dying from within!! All that I cared about did not matter, and all that mattered I did not care about! I desperately needed change in my life and I knew that if nothing was changing in my life, then I had to change myself. And thus went my hair, good behavior and some of those views I had about life in general. I had been living all my life thinking about others…either it was my mum, sister, grandma, aunt or some other person I felt I owed. This time I was going to live for me… I wanted to have a life and no one was going to stop me.
Sixth- Were the scares, the stress and the agonies. I have had sleepless nights and dreadful days over office gossip, impossible deadlines, job insecurities, crippling responsibilities and yes pregnancy scares. And I can tell you it has not been an easy road. Caught between losing a job and worrying about a missing period.., a woman sometimes is torn between priorities.
Even with all this happening, somewhere between meeting my prospective future in-laws and having orange hair,  I have accomplished a lot. I charmed my way into the office family circle…well still working at it; I managed to train the women we work with,  lead researches and analyses, host a delegation and plan a marketing and landing site survey, to mention but a few. Above all and most importantly, I have managed to smile, laugh, learn, love and to forgive. I have grown. This year has been a year of transformation and change, surprises and challenges. The great part is I have endured, by the grace of God. 

As a good friend put it, this year I have blossomed from a girl to a woman!!
This year I want to celebrate all those who have been a part of this interesting journey called life with me. Cheers!!! Let’s drink to that.

Speaking at My Own Peril...!

I just buried my mum two days ago...and it seems so unreal. I cant believe she is gone. All her dreams, her hope, her plans.., i cant believe are all gone. It is just so sad that she will not be there when i get married, that she will not hold her grandchildren, that she will not see my sister graduate and become a woman. At times i wish i had given birth at 21, just so that she could hold my baby in her arms.
It is just dawning on me how much i had built and planned my life around her. And now that she is gone, i do not know where to start. My career, my job, my relationships, my hopes, my dreams...were all centered on her. Now i question what meaning life has...and what all these things mean to me without her. Maybe i should just pack and leave...to a different job, relationship, town, country and life all together to find myself.
And as all these motions overwhelm me, i cant help my anger towards God. I do not question His existance at all, infact if this period has taught me anything, it is that God does really exist.
Because death..,can never be man-made. It is a state so hard to comprehend and fathom that there has to be a God for it to be possible.
What i do not understand is why all this happened. The death of my mum was a shocker, not only to me, but am sure to my mum herself. My mum, sister and i, really believed, with all our hearts that she would be healed.
And does not the Word of God state clearly that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, then you will move mountains? Was not our faith enough? Were our prayers wrong? Not enough? Did our prayers not reach Him? Was he even hearing us? Did the evil one defeat us?
If so, why would God let that happen? Why does God give satan so much privileges and credit? Why does He entertain him that much really? Isn't He the ultimate? Was He not able to heal my mum?
I know that He was and still is more than able. He just had to say a word, and she would have been healed. It was nothing to Him. But why not? Why did she have to suffer all that much to die? What is His plan?
I feel that He gave her a raw deal!The faith and trust that my mama had in God, at times i feel short changed on her behalf!!!
But then what can i, a mere mortal, a passing wave, no better than a flower, say to Him? Is not He the Almighty, the All Knowing and all powerful? Who am i, a mere fluke, to question? I am nothing, and my existence is nothing but a privilege, a favor.
So i am left to cry my heart out when the pain has gripped my heart, when it is choking me, wrecking me, suffocating me. I am left to swallow down my anger, and harden my heart, to swallow my pride and hide my tail between my legs, and crawl back to Him and ask for grace to face another day. Hoping and praying that it will all make sense some day. That all this pain will fade away and that the face of the Lord will smile down on us once again, and that His radiance will warm our hears again. And also that He will not hold me guilty for asking, for speaking, for questioning. That i am not sealing my fate, for questing a God so Mighty.

Monday, 23 September 2013

A Coffin Worthy of a Beautiful Mama!

Shopping for coffins.., that is one of the things that i never ever imagined myself doing. But today, i went shopping for coffins. Specifications; white, beautiful, comfortable and elegant, to begin with. That describes her to a T. You will be surprised the varieties people have to choose from.., what they do to your pockets, is a different story.
 In the midst of all this, all i could think of was how my Mama loved to look beautiful and young. I remember as we celebrated her 50th birthday, how she said she felt like she was 28 years even though she had just turned 50 in an ICU bed. We all laughed, then. But i knew she meant it. She was always young at heart.., full of energy and hope. She always gave people the benefit of doubt, and would always return good for evil. She genuinely laughed and was never a pretender. My mama loved life.., and put up a hell of a fight to have it. 
 So as we shopped for her clothes, coffins and accessories, my focus was to make her look beautiful. But i know that all things sweet and beautiful in this world could never measure to the sincere love and beauty that she poured into our lives upto her last breath. She opened her heart to everyone she met without limits, when she loved, she loved with all her soul. It was almost to a fault...and i and my sister count ourselves lucky to have been the objects of her affection.
She was one of the most amazing women that ever walked this earth, forgiving, loving, hardworking, strong and honest. She moved the world to give my sister and i a chance at life. She defied all odds and brought up a family that even the most accomplished women in the world just dream of...all by herself. A super woman.
Indeed she was a beautiful woman by all standards, and by God she deserves beautiful things.
Coffins were the last things i ever expected to window shop for.., but now am looking for one worthy of a beautiful Mama!

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

The Bitter sweet symphony...?!!

I have not had enough sleep the past three days...trying to raise half a million shillings. Mmmh, thinking of it now, i wonder what was going through the minds of people i was asking to assist me in this. Well, i guess most knew that we were fighting a losing battle..,just that they could not tell me.
So we did not manage to raise the money, and we had to face the music, good thing is the hospital agreed to release and another one agreed to take us in. Heheheh! It is such a funny game, this game of life. It is a maze...with ways open always, but where they lead to, you will be surprised.
It is during such times that you notice the cry babies, the tempered ones, and the ones with the God syndrome in the family. It is so amazing how the middle class (thats what i like to believe we are even though we can not afford the necessities of life) expect heaven to move for them. You find people who have been waiting the whole day for services and expect to be served before them, reason?, you are being admitted to the private ward! Heheheh, wasnt the shock on us? The so called private ward, is just like a secluded prison, no different from the other prisons, just that you are alone!
Oh, focusing on the positive, i made it for the interview today, and i really really pray that i get that job, God knows i need it, i need the change.
These are the times i wish my father was around. Whoever he is, wherever he is, i really pray that he finds his way to me. Not to give us financial assistance or take over, no, just to be here. It is such a tough world, this one to go it alone. And just for that, i must get married, and make it work.
The doctors say mama shows so much improvement. And that they are working out something to help her...to make her better. Well, i hope God has not forgotten us, no, not us, her. And i really pray that my mum has not lost her faith, like me. I hope God understands, and hears me...even when i cant hear myself. And i really hope that he will not let me die inside... a despair i wouldnt wish on even my worst enemy.
And my sister, she has been amazing. If i was to live this life a second time, i would still want her to be my sister. She has given herself wholly, unselfishly to taking care of mama even when she is supposed to be in school. She has grown up, matured to an extent that she just amazes me. I really do pray that God has not forgotten her and that all this she is going through is not in vain.
Well, these past three days have been filled with tears and smiles, highs and lows, joy and sadness, but we have survived. We have made it through the bitter sweet symphony of what we call life at the moment.

Friday, 13 September 2013

What a day...

Today was the day i was supposed to raise 500,000/- Kenyan shillings within 24hrs!
My first reaction when i was told this by the hospital administration was to laugh it off...i mean, seriously? However, it did not take me long to realize i was the only one laughing.
So here i was...with the task of raising half a million in 24hrs. I could not believe it and yet i could clearly see that these people were serious.
My first reaction...was ACT! I went into action mode, listed all the places i could get this money, formulated texts and sent away. Secondly i called my famuliy members and presented the situation. It did not take log before i realized that nothing was gonna give
Second reaction...Pray! As usual i did not have words to express myself, so i just repeated the same line to God hoping that He could hear me and work out some miracle. All i got was silence and very many question marks that kept me awake the whole night.
Third reaction...Anger! To be frank, i was not expecting much from people, but i did expect a very huge miracle from God. I was so angry at God and the people around me that i could feel myself choking. I had so many questions with no answers...what was the reason why all this was happening? Did God really hear my cry? I understood why man could fail me...heck i had come to expect it from people, but God? I expected Him to move the world for me...after all isnt that what fathers do for their children?
Fourth reaction...Indifference! Well i finally reached the point where i expected anything, I did not care anymore. I was ready for whatever...whether it was taking my mum home, going to jail or having treatment terminated. Whatever God was going to allow to happen i was ready for it!
Well...nothing much happened today, but come to think of it, maybe that was God's way of answering my prayers. We were able to raise 35,000/-, most of which we used to take my mum for dialysis, so the hospital bill issue is still the same. The hospital credit controller has referred the issue to his boss and we now await the verdict!
All i pray for at this point is that the Lord's will be done...at least that, i can handle!

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

For the Lord has been Good to me..

I will sing the LORD's praise, for he has been good to me.
Psalms 13:6

I can not remember any one point in my life when the Lord has not been good to me. I consider myself the most favored and loved person alive! 
I am not saying i have the most or am at the best, but considering my background, it is amazing how far i have come. It is an anomaly...a miracle!
Had it been left to life, i am pretty sure i would have ended up as a casual laborer in some farming fields in Birini (yeah...i know you have never heard of it), married to some old slimy man as the 8th wife!! Or as a house girl in Mtwapa working for some cruel family.

But the Lord has been good to me...he has granted me favour and blessed me indeed. He makes my cup run over and i know that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
For he granted me favour before all schools and i completed my studies, and right before i was done with school he gave me a job that ha sustained me and enabled me to climb up the ladder.
He has opened doors for me that no connections or money could open in my personal and career life. He has given me opportunities and i am now spoiled for choice!!!

Maybe one day i will elaborately spill my story out...or maybe not. Nevertheless, today i just want to thank my God and acknowledge that if He was to stop doing miracles for me today, i would still have uncountable things to show that He has been good to me!!!

For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD; I sing for joy at the works of your hands.         Psalms 92:4

ICU!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
Isaiah 55:8

Two days ago, my mum got out of the ICU!

I am extremely grateful to my God and Lord Jesus Christ. Indeed the Lord is a mighty one, full of wonders and miraculous endeavors, His ways are indeed not our ways!

I remember a week ago, Saturday morning when she crashed,...her blood pressure went to zero, she could not breath and was bleeding without end. The doctors called it' Crash 22'. Everyone was so pessimistic. The hospital staff especially all seemed so sure that she was not going to make it!

The Hospital administrator called me to advise against life support saying that the time had come and that it was good to let go, after all, we will all die, she said.
The nurse in charge, too, called me to ask how i was doing and emphasized that i should be ready to let my mum go!
As i listened to all this advise and watched my grandmother and sister breakdown, all i could think about was whether this was how my mum was going to die!! Deep down in my heart, i knew it was not and in the midst of all the confusion, panic and hysteria i called out to my God, though to be frank, i really was not sure whether He could hear me!

ICU was a whole different story. They say that here, patients are nearer to God and he tells them 'I can see You!' Well, i tell you, it has to be true...it is only when God can see you that you manage to get out of the ICU!! It was a week of anxiety, stress and desperation. We were often chased out and told that we could not see her as nurses and doctors ran up and down, in and out, whispering in loud voices.

It is funny that when you really need to pray that you do not have words to tell God. All i could utter during this whole ordeal was 'Please God heal my Mum'. No matter how hard i tried, i just had no other words to tell God.I just waited on Him.

So yesterday night was my turn to sleep with her at the hospital ward, after getting out of the ICU. It was such a wonderful experience. My mum was so happy to have me attend to her and i could tell that she had really missed us during her stint in ICU. Even in the midst of incoherent bubbles, coughing fits and weird demands, she kept on smiling and giggling. Looking at her then, i just could not believe how far and how much God had brought us and done for us!

As i write this, i am truly convinced that my Mum is going to be well. If God has done for us all those many things and walked with us through the shadow of death, why should He not heal my mother?

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

He will also Provide a Way Out...

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.1 Corinthians 10:13

I really do believe in the word of God...and i really do believe that God never gives you anything that you can not handle!
Considering what the past two months have brought along, i think that God considers me and my sister Super Women! Am not saying we have had the worst ever thrown at us.., no, not at all! I do know that there are people who have had it worse.
Two months ago, my biggest fear was how i was to sustain my sister and i, through university for four years, and yet all it cost was 140,000 in three months. I ranted, wrecked my brain and had sleepless nights over this. I was at a dead end and thought that all this was unfair!!!
Well, today, this seems like child's play to me.With a medical bill of over one million shillings and mounting, and my mum still trapped in a hospital bed fighting for her life, i go to bed very peacefully, with little worry over how we are going to manage, because deep down in my heart, i know He will also provide a way out!
How i ever forgot this, i have no idea, but well, God has a way of reminding us that He is Indeed GOD!