The Musings of Kajuzi!

Murphy's law states simply that  " Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong ." The thing about life is that at any given moment, something might, and most likely will happen, that will knock the wind out of you and leave you wondering, starry eyed, what the hell just happened. If you are lucky, it will be one thing, if you are very lucky it will be all things. As it is said, when it rains, it pours . That is how 2013 has been for me, it has been pouring. I remember telling myself that this was going to be a year of change...a shift of some kind, what exactly, i was not sure. Well, i guess the shock is on me because CHANGE does not even begin to describe what this year has been like.  My wings were clipped, my foundation shattered, my walls crumbled and the roof...well am not sure whether it is still in place :-( There is literally no part of my life that was not touched...none at all. Well i guess the gods had it in for me this time. Looking back at it, i

Have you ever felt like you want to poke life? Like you want to do something so stupid and amazing that life will go like waaat? Yes, lately i have been feeling that way. I feel like this life has been pulling pranks on me, and asking me react to what it gives me, and i feel like a puppet. An angry puppet for that matter!! So now, i have decided, i am going to have my own person, with a name, and a everything else, and get to know what it really means to own people! To control the strings. Exciting huh?! I know! And that's what makes it awesome ;-). I mean, if i can't have a say in my life, i might a well have a say in someone else's life...even if that someone is just a creation! I know you will think i am weird...i know you will. But humor me if you will and join me in this adventure of a girl, lets call her Nadima, yes Nadima. So this girl Nadima, is say 26 years old, confused and just has no idea what she wants from life. She is an intelligent girl, jus

Today, i finally moved my tongue. In my dream, my tongue moved! My voice was not so audible, but i uttered something. "Burn, burn!!!" I kept repeating. Not so strange you think?!  Well you do not know my frustrations! For a very long time in my life...i have been having this dream where i can not speak. My tongue is usually so heavy i can not move it no matter how hard i try. My voice disappears and my mouth can not open. At the same time, usually there is something very bad happening around that i am supposed to speak to, but all the time, i always i end up not being able to speak! It is such a frustrating and scary experience i tell you. You have to live it to understand. Now, i live in a community where we believe that dreams are a manifestation of everyday life. It is in dreams that we at times get to continue and create our waking realities. Thereby...what happens in our dreams is sealed in our realities and what happens in our realities can at times be undone in

I have always been the type of girl who reads between the lines, even when there is nothing to read there. I really believe that people say a lot from what they are not saying...and that you can tell a lot about some one from the shape of their fingers, the shape of their necks, to the length and feel of their names.  Some one named Maureen would definitely have to be big bodied (from the length of the name) and grounded ( from the letter M, which is stable in its standing). Reading between the lines, they say, can save you from a crappy relationship or a bad investment, you just have to be keen. And after watching quite too much of the Mentalist and Criminal minds kind of shows, i think i have perfected my art.Come to think of it, i probably should open a psychic shop ;-) So the other day i was talking to this guy about this friend of his who had all of a sudden developed a certain interest on me. From nowhere, this person was everywhere i looked...from my fb page to my mails. S

This week I had an opportunity of working from town, which as you know in my job rarely happens. So the previous weekend, I rushed to Kongowea to look for '100 bob' official trousers, blouses and shoes to don during my stint at the center of the Mombasa business hub. They say the first impression is a lasting impression, so I was determined to present myself to the organizations we were capacity building, as someone who knew what she was talking about. To say the least I was excited. One evening, while on my ride back home experiencing the ever growing "jamming" of Mombasa, I could not help enjoying myself. This was the perfect opportunity to delve into my own world...to build my castles, present and argue my cases before myself and fight my demons. So I switched into a daze, turned my eyes towards the almost blinding, almost beautiful lights of the numerous cars stuck in the jam and started day dreaming. The taxi driver, uncomfortable with the silence I gu

Lately, I have developed quite a number of new hobbies that I strangely have come to love so much because they lend me some kind of badly needed escapism. And one of them is drinking wine! Yes...these days you want me in on your plots, bring along some wine and am taken. So the other day, while having a good time over a few bottles of wine, we started discussing things to do with love and eventually marriage. What my friends kept on insisting is that marriage has nothing to do with love but everything to do with fondness and tolerance. Yes, Fondness and Tolerance! So disappointing, right? Well, all of life is, eventually, a disappointment in some way, so we have to deal with it.   Now , it got me thinking, how does one go about selecting a life partner then? How do you know that he is the one to be fond with and tolerate?!!! I am not sure, but i thought it was worth sharing So it took me down memory lane, looking at the trend that I have been setting , and here is how my at

I have always believed that if you can see it, then you can get it. I developed the habit of creating mental images of what I want very early in life. If I wanted a new dress, then I would imagine myself in a new dress ( including color and pattern) days or even months before it even happened. I created mental images of all the things I aspired for.., and I mean all!!! If I really wanted it then I would have a very detailed picture of it. However, I never had a specific image of what I wanted to be when I grow up. At times I saw myself as an artist (heheh! I do good drawings and paintings at times,, by the way), and others as a secretary, a nurse or something else! I never had a clear picture of what I wanted to become, but during my last years of campus, I had this recurring image. "I would see myself dressed in 6 inch heels, an impeccable short skirt suit, long sleek hair and bright red lipstick. In this picture, I was always walking on a long modern high tech corridor r

So, I will first begin by saying that, I have never been the kind of person who follows the crowd...no, I have never been a follower. I have always enjoyed patching my own way. Not because I consider myself   any special (but truthfully, I do ;-), ) but because I find it much easier. There are no rules, no expectations, no baselines...you are allowed to just be. It saves you so much energy. And the icing on the cake, it enables you to stand out...which, at the end of the day, is what we ladies are aiming at. Because standing out means that you get attention! And, Bingo., you are Home!   :-) Secondly, I was born in a house of three very beautiful,   independent and intelligent women; raised in a family that is literally   run by women, who are not afraid at all to speak their minds and will have no other way apart from their way. And socialized in a village, (our village has almost 500 inhabitants; You see my seven grandfathers lived in the same piece of land, we are now in the

These days my mind and emotions seem to be moving at a speed that i can not keep up with. They seem to have taken a life of their own! It amazes me at times...sometimes i feel like there are so many things clogged up there that want to come out...and my hands and mouth cant keep up. I always feel like i need an audience to tell something, anything and everything. And then again i feel like, the audience does not get me, or what am saying. Sometimes i don't know whether i want to cry or laugh. It is a roller coaster, a battle of some kind within me. It is frustrating i tell you, very frustrating. Yesterday marked exactly one month since that fateful day. Yes, a month...and it feels like yesterday. Now, it was pointed out to me that there is nothing else i talk about these days, apart from what happened. So i am really trying my best, for the past four hours, to talk of something else apart from that. I will even go a step further...i will not even mention it here, at least in

The death of a human being is something that i have really been struggling to comprehend lately. I don't know where souls go after they die.., i have never really wanted to know. But since the passing on of my mum, i cant help but wonder where she is. I really cant fathom that a person who is here today can just vanish into nothingness tommorow. I just cant understand that a human being who is breathing this moment, can just go into numbness the next moment. The day my mum died is a day that i will keep replaying in my mind over and over again for a long time to come.There are so many things about that day that i just dont understand. When i was told my mum had died.., i just stared, i felt numb, i felt nothing. I could not believe it...i could not even imagine how she could be dead. Up until then...the word death held no meaning whatsoever to me. I remember walking up to the ICU, in the midst of wailing and screaming from my cousins and aunts. Most of them wanted to hold me

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made in your life? The other day i was out with friends having a drink trying so hard not to think about the state of my life at the moment. And as the rounds went by, we jumped from one topic to another and interestingly we ended up at the question above. Am not sure if that is exactly how it was phrased but am pretty sure (as fuzzy as i was) that that was what was meant. I can tell you that the answers that went round were quite interesting. I really had a blast, and a very quick but cherished peek into the lives of the people surrounding me. And i tell you there is nothing as good as getting to know people when drinks are involved ;-). It is life-bonding and magical, heheheh! However, when it came to my turn, my mind went blank! I kept asking myself, what is the biggest mistake i have ever done? That most shocking thing, the thing that i look back and cringe, or maybe laugh my head off wondering how i ever got the guts to do that. And fu

Well there are some pretty interesting things that have happened to me the last six months that I think are worth mentioning; First- The hullabaloos of a final year university student that come as a result of the fear of facing the unknown. For me, I had it all worked out. The plan was I was to apply to all the top notch employers in Nairobi, do my final exams in June and then ship myself to my boyfriends safe haven where I was going to lounge and wait for whoever wanted to employ me to call. I wanted the fast paced classy high life and damn I was going to do all it takes to get it.   I thought this was a perfect plan…, however life had something else in store for me! Second-By April I had been called for interviews by the top graduate employers and my hopes were flying high. By the time I was sitting my last paper, I had a job waiting for me, though not what I had expected, but something nonetheless. I counted myself lucky and blessed, and indeed I was. Third- the shift to M

I just buried my mum two days ago...and it seems so unreal. I cant believe she is gone. All her dreams, her hope, her plans.., i cant believe are all gone. It is just so sad that she will not be there when i get married, that she will not hold her grandchildren, that she will not see my sister graduate and become a woman. At times i wish i had given birth at 21, just so that she could hold my baby in her arms. It is just dawning on me how much i had built and planned my life around her. And now that she is gone, i do not know where to start. My career, my job, my relationships, my hopes, my dreams...were all centered on her. Now i question what meaning life has...and what all these things mean to me without her. Maybe i should just pack and leave...to a different job, relationship, town, country and life all together to find myself. And as all these motions overwhelm me, i cant help my anger towards God. I do not question His existance at all, infact if this period has taught me anyt

Shopping for coffins.., that is one of the things that i never ever imagined myself doing. But today, i went shopping for coffins. Specifications; white, beautiful, comfortable and elegant, to begin with. That describes her to a T. You will be surprised the varieties people have to choose from.., what they do to your pockets, is a different story.  In the midst of all this, all i could think of was how my Mama loved to look beautiful and young. I remember as we celebrated her 50th birthday, how she said she felt like she was 28 years even though she had just turned 50 in an ICU bed. We all laughed, then. But i knew she meant it. She was always young at heart.., full of energy and hope. She always gave people the benefit of doubt, and would always return good for evil. She genuinely laughed and was never a pretender. My mama loved life.., and put up a hell of a fight to have it.   So as we shopped for her clothes, coffins and accessories, my focus was to make her look beautiful. But

I have not had enough sleep the past three days...trying to raise half a million shillings. Mmmh, thinking of it now, i wonder what was going through the minds of people i was asking to assist me in this. Well, i guess most knew that we were fighting a losing battle..,just that they could not tell me. So we did not manage to raise the money, and we had to face the music, good thing is the hospital agreed to release and another one agreed to take us in. Heheheh! It is such a funny game, this game of life. It is a maze...with ways open always, but where they lead to, you will be surprised. It is during such times that you notice the cry babies, the tempered ones, and the ones with the God syndrome in the family. It is so amazing how the middle class (thats what i like to believe we are even though we can not afford the necessities of life) expect heaven to move for them. You find people who have been waiting the whole day for services and expect to be served before them, reason?, you a

Today was the day i was supposed to raise 500,000/- Kenyan shillings within 24hrs! My first reaction when i was told this by the hospital administration was to laugh it off...i mean, seriously? However, it did not take me long to realize i was the only one laughing. So here i was...with the task of raising half a million in 24hrs. I could not believe it and yet i could clearly see that these people were serious. My first reaction...was ACT! I went into action mode, listed all the places i could get this money, formulated texts and sent away. Secondly i called my famuliy members and presented the situation. It did not take log before i realized that nothing was gonna give Second reaction...Pray! As usual i did not have words to express myself, so i just repeated the same line to God hoping that He could hear me and work out some miracle. All i got was silence and very many question marks that kept me awake the whole night. Third reaction...Anger! To be frank, i was not expecting mu

I will sing the LORD's praise, for he has been good to me. Psalms 13:6 I can not remember any one point in my life when the Lord has not been good to me. I consider myself the most favored and loved person alive!  I am not saying i have the most or am at the best, but considering my background, it is amazing how far i have come. It is an anomaly...a miracle! Had it been left to life, i am pretty sure i would have ended up as a casual laborer in some farming fields in Birini (yeah...i know you have never heard of it), married to some old slimy man as the 8th wife!! Or as a house girl in Mtwapa working for some cruel family. But the Lord has been good to me...he has granted me favour and blessed me indeed. He makes my cup run over and i know that goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. For he granted me favour before all schools and i completed my studies, and right before i was done with school he gave me a job that ha sustained me and enabled me to cli

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8 Two days ago, my mum got out of the ICU! I am extremely grateful to my God and Lord Jesus Christ. Indeed the Lord is a mighty one, full of wonders and miraculous endeavors, His ways are indeed not our ways! I remember a week ago, Saturday morning when she crashed,...her blood pressure went to zero, she could not breath and was bleeding without end. The doctors called it' Crash 22'. Everyone was so pessimistic. The hospital staff especially all seemed so sure that she was not going to make it! The Hospital administrator called me to advise against life support saying that the time had come and that it was good to let go, after all, we will all die, she said. The nurse in charge, too, called me to ask how i was doing and emphasized that i should be ready to let my mum go! As i listened to all this advise and watched my grandmother and sister breakdown, all

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 I really do believe in the word of God...and i really do believe that God never gives you anything that you can not handle! Considering what the past two months have brought along, i think that God considers me and my sister Super Women! Am not saying we have had the worst ever thrown at us.., no, not at all! I do know that there are people who have had it worse. Two months ago, my biggest fear was how i was to sustain my sister and i, through university for four years, and yet all it cost was 140,000 in three months. I ranted, wrecked my brain and had sleepless nights over this. I was at a dead end and thought that all this was unfair!!! Well, today, this seems like child's play to me.With a medical bill of over one million shil