Death...

The death of a human being is something that i have really been struggling to comprehend lately. I don't know where souls go after they die.., i have never really wanted to know. But since the passing on of my mum, i cant help but wonder where she is. I really cant fathom that a person who is here today can just vanish into nothingness tommorow. I just cant understand that a human being who is breathing this moment, can just go into numbness the next moment.

The day my mum died is a day that i will keep replaying in my mind over and over again for a long time to come.There are so many things about that day that i just dont understand. When i was told my mum had died.., i just stared, i felt numb, i felt nothing. I could not believe it...i could not even imagine how she could be dead.

Up until then...the word death held no meaning whatsoever to me. I remember walking up to the ICU, in the midst of wailing and screaming from my cousins and aunts. Most of them wanted to hold me, but i did not want to be held, heck i did not even want to be touched. By the time i got to see my mum's body, i was very angry. I looked at her...her eyes closed, body still warm, as if she was just sleeping. I held her.. tried to feel her pulse, and called out.., nothing. They had pronounced her dead almost 5 minutes before i came in.How could she be dead? I just couldnt get it.

I just don't understand how someone can just be lying there...without moving or hearing or doing anything. How does that happen? How does life just vanish?
So back to my previous question, where does the essence of the person, after the body has been discarded, go to? When we say may the souls rest in peace, where are they supposed to rest? In the grave? in the sky? in heaven? where?

Many times while going about my day, i have felt like there is someone there with me, staring, I have felt goosebumps and shivers...as if she was there. And it always gets me wondering...is she somewhere watching us? Is she happy where she is? How does she look like? I just cant seem to decide how to imagine her where she is.., should i see her as she was before or after she was taken ill? Should i imagine her wearing a white robe with a halo on her head? How?

I can tell you that i have spent sleepless nights and empty days trying to get to understand this whole death thing, and am still clueless. . I don't understand how it happens at the worst time ever. and How it just crashes everything, without caring.I am still struggling with accepting that my mum is gone...but i wonder, where to?  Sometimes i think i am crazy, even stupid entertaining these thoughts...so mostly, i try my best to let them go, to not think about them. So i tell myself that yes, it is all in God's hands, and that all is well, and that she is happy and that i have nothing to worry about. Yesterday, it was her, tomorrow it is you and me. After all, that is life, and death.
But i know it will get better someday!!!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Coffin Worthy of a Beautiful Mama!

Shopping for coffins.., that is one of the things that i never ever imagined myself doing. But today, i went shopping for coffins. Specifications; white, beautiful, comfortable and elegant, to begin with. That describes her to a T. You will be surprised the varieties people have to choose from.., what they do to your pockets, is a different story.  In the midst of all this, all i could think of was how my Mama loved to look beautiful and young. I remember as we celebrated her 50th birthday, how she said she felt like she was 28 years even though she had just turned 50 in an ICU bed. We all laughed, then. But i knew she meant it. She was always young at heart.., full of energy and hope. She always gave people the benefit of doubt, and would always return good for evil. She genuinely laughed and was never a pretender. My mama loved life.., and put up a hell of a fight to have it.   So as we shopped for her clothes, coffins and accessories, my focus was to make her look beautiful. But
Read more

ICU!

Image
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8 Two days ago, my mum got out of the ICU! I am extremely grateful to my God and Lord Jesus Christ. Indeed the Lord is a mighty one, full of wonders and miraculous endeavors, His ways are indeed not our ways! I remember a week ago, Saturday morning when she crashed,...her blood pressure went to zero, she could not breath and was bleeding without end. The doctors called it' Crash 22'. Everyone was so pessimistic. The hospital staff especially all seemed so sure that she was not going to make it! The Hospital administrator called me to advise against life support saying that the time had come and that it was good to let go, after all, we will all die, she said. The nurse in charge, too, called me to ask how i was doing and emphasized that i should be ready to let my mum go! As i listened to all this advise and watched my grandmother and sister breakdown, all
Read more

We Are Three!😂

Three years ago today, a colleague of mine pulled the Mrs. so and so card on me and it took a while to register that she was actually referring to me. So i politely batted my eye lids and asked her if she could refer to me with my REAL names please! heheh! To be honest, I forget am a wife sometimes! It took me exactly five years and maybe some days to move from stranger- to friend- to girlfriend- to fiance-and eventually wife. I sometimes wake up and stand in front of the mirror to look for changes that scream wife and so far except for the eruption of some chunky bits almost everywhere imaginable and the ring on my finger... I have not seen any, nor have i produced a following to prove that i am. I feel like it was just the other day this guy was darting lines my way that were just so hilariously lame that i actually fell for him. Just the other day.., and now here we are. Turns out i am Wife Material after all. And,  it isn't running to the kitchen once th
Read more