I Think am Going Crazy...but who cares???

These days my mind and emotions seem to be moving at a speed that i can not keep up with. They seem to have taken a life of their own! It amazes me at times...sometimes i feel like there are so many things clogged up there that want to come out...and my hands and mouth cant keep up. I always feel like i need an audience to tell something, anything and everything. And then again i feel like, the audience does not get me, or what am saying. Sometimes i don't know whether i want to cry or laugh. It is a roller coaster, a battle of some kind within me. It is frustrating i tell you, very frustrating.

Yesterday marked exactly one month since that fateful day. Yes, a month...and it feels like yesterday. Now, it was pointed out to me that there is nothing else i talk about these days, apart from what happened. So i am really trying my best, for the past four hours, to talk of something else apart from that. I will even go a step further...i will not even mention it here, at least in this post i wont.

I really do want to speak about something...the state of our hospitals, about sickness, about life, friends, nature, money and everything in between i think. Am not sure,  because again as i said, my mind has diverted elsewhere again. Maybe i should just save it for another day, when i feel that you will all understand what am talking about. Yes...when you will get it.Because until you really get it, then i will just be making noise.

Up until my mum was hospitalized, i did not get exactly what having a person in hospital was all about.  Then, i thought that a simple 'sorry' would suffice for someone who had a sick person in hospital. I never thought about visiting or even asking about how these people were doing. I just did not get it, and worse still i did not even bother to want to get it. And today i can tell you, until you have had a sick person in hospital, you just do not get what it is all about. I think that is the point i wanted to state about that...or not, am not sure!

Heheheh! And my mind has shifted to something else again...money and friends. The two things that i needed most during this period...and they were there, just in the right portions needed. Whenever, we needed money for that extra test, that medicine required...something always came through. And at that very moment when i needed a shoulder to cry on...there always was more than a pair available. Old friends, new friends, people i did not know who later became friends...humanity really came through for me during this period. I even remember crying on the shoulder of a twelve year old girl i had met just 30 minutes earlier at the blood transfusion center ! (Yeah...she was shocked and scared to death am sure, but she put on a brave face for me at that moment)
Yet it is also the period when i most hated people and the whole world in general.

And about God, this is the period when i just came face to face with His manifestations. The time when i think i saw Him, even touched Him...He was right there before my eyes. But never before in my life have i felt so far away from Him, as if He was not there, lifeless...like a statue. I just cant express it. So about Him...i will let my mind wander, as far as it can reach for my sake. But for your sake, and other factors considered, i will let it stay in my mind!

These days i feel that, as humans, we never really experience life to the fullest. That we do not live, we just exist.  That we do not appreciate enough of what we have and that we do not capture life's moments. I think we should explode...with all that we are...and just be. Because i think, what is the worst that could happen? But then again, it does not matter...it all does not matter at all.

And now...am left wondering...so what? After letting my mind wander and after rumbling about it here...So what? Then i realize i am just so f**** tired about it all. I also realize that i don't care...and that i do not even know what am feeling. Oh...the word for it would be blur! I feel blur...whatever that means.
Anyway, i know all this does not make sense ...and i don't know what does. But i just felt like writing it down anyway. Maybe am battling with my inner demons, whatever those are, or maybe am just going plain crazy. But who cares anyway???...i know i don't!!!

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