Speaking at My Own Peril...!
I just buried my mum two days ago...and it seems so unreal. I cant believe she is gone. All her dreams, her hope, her plans.., i cant believe are all gone. It is just so sad that she will not be there when i get married, that she will not hold her grandchildren, that she will not see my sister graduate and become a woman. At times i wish i had given birth at 21, just so that she could hold my baby in her arms.
It is just dawning on me how much i had built and planned my life around her. And now that she is gone, i do not know where to start. My career, my job, my relationships, my hopes, my dreams...were all centered on her. Now i question what meaning life has...and what all these things mean to me without her. Maybe i should just pack and leave...to a different job, relationship, town, country and life all together to find myself.
And as all these motions overwhelm me, i cant help my anger towards God. I do not question His existance at all, infact if this period has taught me anything, it is that God does really exist.
Because death..,can never be man-made. It is a state so hard to comprehend and fathom that there has to be a God for it to be possible.
What i do not understand is why all this happened. The death of my mum was a shocker, not only to me, but am sure to my mum herself. My mum, sister and i, really believed, with all our hearts that she would be healed.
And does not the Word of God state clearly that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, then you will move mountains? Was not our faith enough? Were our prayers wrong? Not enough? Did our prayers not reach Him? Was he even hearing us? Did the evil one defeat us?
If so, why would God let that happen? Why does God give satan so much privileges and credit? Why does He entertain him that much really? Isn't He the ultimate? Was He not able to heal my mum?
I know that He was and still is more than able. He just had to say a word, and she would have been healed. It was nothing to Him. But why not? Why did she have to suffer all that much to die? What is His plan?
I feel that He gave her a raw deal!The faith and trust that my mama had in God, at times i feel short changed on her behalf!!!
But then what can i, a mere mortal, a passing wave, no better than a flower, say to Him? Is not He the Almighty, the All Knowing and all powerful? Who am i, a mere fluke, to question? I am nothing, and my existence is nothing but a privilege, a favor.
So i am left to cry my heart out when the pain has gripped my heart, when it is choking me, wrecking me, suffocating me. I am left to swallow down my anger, and harden my heart, to swallow my pride and hide my tail between my legs, and crawl back to Him and ask for grace to face another day. Hoping and praying that it will all make sense some day. That all this pain will fade away and that the face of the Lord will smile down on us once again, and that His radiance will warm our hears again. And also that He will not hold me guilty for asking, for speaking, for questioning. That i am not sealing my fate, for questing a God so Mighty.
It is just dawning on me how much i had built and planned my life around her. And now that she is gone, i do not know where to start. My career, my job, my relationships, my hopes, my dreams...were all centered on her. Now i question what meaning life has...and what all these things mean to me without her. Maybe i should just pack and leave...to a different job, relationship, town, country and life all together to find myself.
And as all these motions overwhelm me, i cant help my anger towards God. I do not question His existance at all, infact if this period has taught me anything, it is that God does really exist.
Because death..,can never be man-made. It is a state so hard to comprehend and fathom that there has to be a God for it to be possible.
What i do not understand is why all this happened. The death of my mum was a shocker, not only to me, but am sure to my mum herself. My mum, sister and i, really believed, with all our hearts that she would be healed.
And does not the Word of God state clearly that if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, then you will move mountains? Was not our faith enough? Were our prayers wrong? Not enough? Did our prayers not reach Him? Was he even hearing us? Did the evil one defeat us?
If so, why would God let that happen? Why does God give satan so much privileges and credit? Why does He entertain him that much really? Isn't He the ultimate? Was He not able to heal my mum?
I know that He was and still is more than able. He just had to say a word, and she would have been healed. It was nothing to Him. But why not? Why did she have to suffer all that much to die? What is His plan?
I feel that He gave her a raw deal!The faith and trust that my mama had in God, at times i feel short changed on her behalf!!!
But then what can i, a mere mortal, a passing wave, no better than a flower, say to Him? Is not He the Almighty, the All Knowing and all powerful? Who am i, a mere fluke, to question? I am nothing, and my existence is nothing but a privilege, a favor.
So i am left to cry my heart out when the pain has gripped my heart, when it is choking me, wrecking me, suffocating me. I am left to swallow down my anger, and harden my heart, to swallow my pride and hide my tail between my legs, and crawl back to Him and ask for grace to face another day. Hoping and praying that it will all make sense some day. That all this pain will fade away and that the face of the Lord will smile down on us once again, and that His radiance will warm our hears again. And also that He will not hold me guilty for asking, for speaking, for questioning. That i am not sealing my fate, for questing a God so Mighty.
May her soul rest in eternal peace. You're right! At times, it's hard if not impossible to tell what God's plans are. But what is definite is that he does have a plan for each and everyone of us. At best, all we can do is wait and see what those plans are. Like you say, we are mortals and can only do so much. We just have to trust in him without question. It's hard, no doubt, especially when things just don't seem to make any sense.. But then again, where would we be without him? Someone once asked me, why is it that we only question God when things don't go our way? We are angry and we wonder where he is. Yet, he is the very same God who gives us grace, life, peace among other things. He owes us nothing, yet gives us everything. This got me thinking..Being the understanding God that he is, am certain he understands why we get angry with him at times.. and it's okay to be angry and question. God Bless!
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